Phew Puns

Apparently he is a man of phew words.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

Now I am able to perform calls Hans-free

I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

Because it saw the salad dressing!

Together, we can stop this crap.

When you hear a dad joke, it’s apparent.

But, I turned myself around.

His reply:

Phew! I thought you were going to say that you spotted a bobcat. That would've been dangerous, and unnecessary.

So we went out for a couple drinks. Super nice dude, said he was a web developer.

"PLIP PLOPS."

What a disgusting creature I've raised beams with pride

You never get a day off.

Dad: Wow. I didn't even know they were Catholic.

He puts on another coat

I said:" it is when you continue"

I could talk about it forever.

Because they gruesome.

Apparelly he's still at large

No...wait, she's back ( phew )... just went for a coffee.

Kilometery Cyrus

But I think they are on the way out.

Scientists name them Idontthinktheysaurus

I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.

Then something funny happens.

KitchenAids

The horse will lift it’s tail and say, “a phew”

What do you get when you cross a skunk with a chicken?

A fowl smell.

​What do you get when you cross a skunk with a High Court Judge?

Law and odour.

What is the best way to stop a skunk smelling?

Put a peg on his nose.

How many skunks does it take to create an absolutely hideous smell?

A phew.

Why should you never ask a skunk for their opinion?

They are likely to give you their 2 cents.

Source: skunk jokes

Phew!!! That was a close call.

• dad- Has she decided when she's coming yet?
• me- Not sure yet, she's still on the fence about it.
• dad- That's got to be uncomfortable, ha!

Wife: I just got done running. I ended up twisting my ankle. Me: Phew, good thing you didn't twist your ankle on Wednesday. Wife: .... Me: Because then you would have rolled a joint on 4/20.

A phew!
Aaaaphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!

^s^o^r^r^y

Aphew!

Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, "Phew! That was a close call! I almost really screwed up my foot!" She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'. Stir-fry was fantastic, though.

I posted this over on r/MaliciousCompliance and was told that it might fit over here as well. > Wife: "I think I left my phone on the nightstand. Would you please run up the stairs for me, dear?"
> Me: "Sure, hon."
> I dash up the stairs, turn around at the top and come charging down the stairs again.
> Me: "Phew, that was fun. Good idea."
> Wife: "..."

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

Last night, my dad was opening his mail. As he opens one of the envelopes, out falls a check. Quickly, he bobbles it for a split second, then grabs it before it falls on the floor. I saw this happen and chuckled. My dad looks at me and goes, "Phew, I thought for a second that the check was going to bounce."

After the big fight in the library in Philly.

Ellie: "Phew. Lets lighten the mood. Space rocks taste better than Earth rocks because they are a little meteor."

Just a phew...