Iβve just been voted the most secretive person in the whole world
I canβt tell you how much this means to me
π︎ 128
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
What do you call a pregnant person in a suit of armour?
π︎ 166
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I just learned Albert Einstein was a real person.
All this time i thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 136
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
Not a single person.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 997
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Did you know Cardi B has a sister who is a personal trainer?
π︎ 51
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
What award should the person get who invented knock knock jokes?
π︎ 390
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office license.
I'm gonna find you. You have my word.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Who was the 1st person to win the Nobel Prize?
Same person who invented the Door Knock...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Today is the day I can post it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
And elon took that personally...
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
What do you call it when a deaf person faceplants in quicksand?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
A chemist froze himself to -273.15Β°C and everyone called him crazy but personally,
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Why do type-A personalities like to camp?
They are already in-tents.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Good advice is something a person gives....
......when they are too old to set a bad example.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...
The conversation was pretty one-sided.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
What's the difference between a horribly dressed person on a two wheeler and a nicely dressed person on a three wheeler?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
I personally want to see Radigascar
π︎ 395
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
π︎ 65
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
A person was arrested at the special Olympics.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
What do you call it when one gay person kills another?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
I'd like to personally thank the inventor of the mini skirt...
My balls have never felt so free.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Warning...."To the person who stole my glasses....."
"I'll find you....I have contacts."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
You should never bother a fat person at a buffet..
Theyβve got a lot on their plate..
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Person to my dad βHow long have you been married?β
Dad: β10 of the happiest years of my lifeβ
(Theyβve been married 43 years)
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person π
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
What's the difference between a stolen miniature diorama for your personal library and an incredibly surprising but cliched erotic fantasy about Peregrin of the shire?
One is a shelf insert book nook for fiction fans that you took and the other is a self-insert fan fiction took book that got you shook.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Kinder Person Award goes to...
π︎ 133
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
What do you get if you mix a dumb person with a donut?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. Iβm gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 101
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I just found out that Einstein was a real person...
I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 62
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.
This whole time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist...
π︎ 79
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office key.
Im gonna find you. You have my word.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.
I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person...
...I had always thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
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