Patted Puns

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

I said, “it’ll be 0-0.”

Dad: have your roommate pat you on the back to get rid of them

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

My dad told me this one this morning.

It's cut and dry.

Pat

He achieves near-Vanna on a daily basis.

Pat.

Dave sees the girl of his dreams and asks Joe, “I can’t believe my eyes, is this girl real?”

Joe pats his buddy Dave on the back, “Yea bud, she Isreal.”

To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."

On almost any episode of Wheel Of Fortune you might hear Pat Sajak say, "No 'L'. No 'L'."

Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"

Me - "why?"

Dad "Because all the fans are gone"

Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"

A while ago a friend was telling me how they named their bike Patrick and that their previous bike was the same color and also named Patrick. I replied "Cool. So if you get one more you'll have a Pat Trick."

(•_,•)

I said to my wife: "Look, I'm patting her on the butt.

My wife says: "You're like General Patton!"

Me: "Or Patton Oswald!"

Wife: "I was going to say Patton Oswald, but..."

Me: "You were looking for a more General term?"

Wife: "You're really dumb."

A pat on the head.

Contestant was unable to solve the last puzzle:

_ _ T I C I _ _ (Occupation)

As the answer is revealed, Pat says:

OPTICIAN... You didn't see that coming, huh?

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

I was at a party and a few friends and I were sitting around talking, when the subjected of anesthesiology came up. A high school senior was talking about how he wanted to become an anesthesiologist, when someone else says "I hear it's an incredibly boring job."

Without missing a beat I come back with, "Yeah, I mean it literally puts people to sleep."

In my head I imagined the whole room bursting out in laughter, but instead no one heard me, apart from my girlfriend who patted me on the head.

You pat them on the back and say their, there, they’re.

You could tell him to get off the couch by saying "Get down, Mr. President!"

It's like: pat, pat... pat, pat.

Something

*Pats you on the back* There, Their, They're.

Dad: How'd you sleep??

Everyone: Good, and you?

Dad: I slept with my eyes closed.

Dad: http://imgur.com/M3jPjIA

Apparently he's got male patting baldness.

Pats and taps are the same thing until you try to faucet

Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door

Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto?

Me: Oh, about 6'1"

My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed... my wife and MIL groaned

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

Dad was visiting last week, talking about his household projects he did. He mentioned that he got his septic tank emptied before winter, and that 'it was a shitty job'. He then tells me that his neighbor also had to get his tank emptied, so the service truck also emptied the neighbor's tank at the same time. He smiles and says, "Well, my neighbor and I finally got our shit together!"

He said he was very proud of himself for making an original pun like that. I patted him on the shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, "I can always appreciate an organic pun."

Executive Assistant comes over. Says, "oh, no! You don't have a Halloween costume! We should make you something here,"

I panicked a bit and looked around the office, thinking what could make an impromptu costume: pens...tape...notepads...books...books!

I turned to her and said, "well, I could tape a book to my face and be Facebook." She stopped a beat, patted my arm, and walked away.

A few minutes ago, I was pretty thirsty, so I said aloud to myself, "I feel like a glass of milk," and went to get some from the fridge.

My dad of course heard me say this, and he came up to me as I was pouring myself a glass. He just patted my arm a few times and said "No".

I groaned because I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as I was his eyes light up with that "this is gonna be hilarious" look.

I brought a box of brandy chocolates to my parents' Christmas party. My dad patted me on the back and said, "Brandy? You're a fine girl."

So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: "And now you do my bidding."

I patted myself on the shoulder after that.

Edit: Grammar.

A-pat-asaurus.

Father "pats pregnant cousins belly": you're gonna make like a baby and head out?

That's not my real name, I just wanted to make Pat say Jack.

He said, "What do you want, a pat on the back?"

I hurt my knee very badly the other day, and I'm sitting on the couch when my father comes home and sees my injury. After I explained what happened, he nods and pats my head. "Let me know if you need anything."

She said yes. He then patted his belly and said, "Good, because I'm stuffed!"

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

The conversation went this way:

Me: "Knock, knock!"

Dad: "Who's there?"

Me: "A dull pencil."

Dad: "A dull pencil... who?"

Me: "Nevermind that, it's pointless."

My answer was then followed by an awkward silence while I waited for him to get out of the bathroom. After he got out I got a pat on the back.

So my 7 month old daughter (who is breastfed) is sitting with her mother and patting and laying her head on her mother's boobs, so then i look over and say "baby girl, didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food?" Needles to say, face palms all around. I'll take my leave now......

As I was about to leave for work:

Girlfriend: I may get off a little earlier tonight.

Me: Well doesn't that depend on when you get off work?

Girlfriend: You're so lame.

Me: patting my leg I walk just fine.

With a wink and a smirk, I walked out the door.

Person 1: Neat! Are you visiting or living there?

Me: Living here, but as an expat.

Person 2: Why'd you change your name?

Me: What do you mean?

Person 2: Well it used to be Pat, and now you're an ex Pat.

never fails, dad pats his pockets on his jacket and his pants with scared look on his face.

I work in IT for a school district. I was responding to a work order for a teacher at a Jr. High and he had a class in session so I stood quietly in the back until he had a free moment.

Teacher was explaining the objective for the day: "2-1 (two one is blah blah blah), and 2-2 (two two is blah blah blah)

Student: heh you said tutu

Teacher: tutu, yeah I like the ballet. (He makes a curtsy and it was funny because he is a larger guy). I was so hungry once I ate the tutu and it hurt my ballet (as he pats his tummy).

It took a second and the class burst out in laughter.

After every main meal when the waiter comes around with the dessert menu my dad always says the same line

"Do I look like I eat dessert". While patting his (large) stomach.

This is always awarded with an awkward laugh from the waiter and facepalms from the rest of the family.

We were going through airport security and they made him go through the new scanner thing like this: http://www.blogcdn.com/www.switched.com/media/2008/04/image-scan.jpg

When they said they had to pat down his left arm he said: "must be too much muscle" followed by a necessary dad laugh.

A. A pat on the head.