My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food
But I think it's a naan issue.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?
So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to βput the kettle onβ I respond βI canβt, it wonβt fitβ or if weβre shopping and Iβm asked βdo you need a bagβ I point at her and say βitβs fine I brought my ownβ there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.
I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
A mime is the perfect partner in crime
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Why was the bean upset with his partner's gift to him?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
What did the kidnapper say to his partner?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Iβm always Frank with my sexual partners
I donβt want them to know my real name.
π︎ 196
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
What do you call the Mandalorian's partner?
Co-Mando.
(Credit to my girlfriend)
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
Just a silly joke I made up to my partner
How do you say thanks in fish?
Thanksalotyl
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I truly am a monster. My partner is a nurse for context.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
My partner said that I looked constipated in our pictures
I was tryna hold my shit together
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
Business partner 1:Hey have you signed yet?
Business partner 2: Yes in deed
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had
He started counting but fell asleep.
π︎ 64
π
︎ May 20 2020
I gave my partner some money and told her to go buy coffee
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
π︎ 114
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
I met my partner after we both reached for the same rifle scope.
You know what they say, love at first sight.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
π︎ 289
π
︎ Feb 19 2020
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
I am currently writing an introduction to a novel about a young man trying to find his former partner.
I guess it's an ex-position.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
When your partner's name is Martin
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 19 2020
My sexual partner got run over by a road roller
Now sheβs my flat-mate.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
John was gay and he killed his partner. What was he charged with?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 03 2020
You know why you should be my partner in the marijuana businesses?
Because you know I wonβt smoke up all the profits.
Recreational marijuana was just legalized here in the state of Michigan, so my dad just had to make a joke. π
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
My neighbour lends people money, but refuses to take on partners or associates.
He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 08 2020
My favourite thing to do when my little girl and partner are in my car.
Whenever I have to reverse I always do so slowly, let out a nostalgic sigh and say: "ahhh, this takes me back."
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 29 2019
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
I've been throwing bear puns at my partner all day but finally had to stop
They were going into Kodiak arrest
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
So long, partner.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
(true story) My partner had a scratch on his face
I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"
He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."
I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"
He said, "Nope, I feel fine."
And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."
He still gets mad about when I bring it up.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 29 2019
What do you tell your weightlifting partner when he loses an auction for a mattress?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
My wife and I like to listen to Sonny Bono's singing partner on special occasions.
It's time we Cher together.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 23 2019
Why is a chocolate cake a bad partner?
Because it will dessert you
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 03 2019
What do you lovingly call your undead partner?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
My partner overspiced the pasta
I should've seen it cumin
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
My partner makes me speak a certain phrase before I can look her in the eye.
She calls it her wife eye password.
π︎ 123
π
︎ Sep 07 2018
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
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