Doctor: Relax, David. Itβs just a small surgery, donβt panic.
Me: my name isnβt David.
Doctor: I know. Iβm David.
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︎ Jul 12 2020
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
π︎ 50
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︎ Aug 08 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Apr 29 2020
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 18 2020
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Pansexual panic!
π︎ 10
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︎ May 10 2020
Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
π︎ 22
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︎ May 29 2020
I just accidentally super-glued my thumb and index finger together!! At first, I started to panic, but then I remembered that...
...itβs always going to be okay...
π︎ 7
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︎ May 16 2020
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave
But I told her βNah ma, stayβ
π︎ 7
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︎ May 13 2020
What do you call panic-buying sausage and cheese in Germany?
π︎ 31
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Do not Panic!
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 01 2020
I've lost my mind due to the virus panic, but who knows ...
maybe it's just in my head.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 12 2020
Did you hear about the herbs that were phoning everyone, trying to panic-buy all different sizes of measuring cups?
Desperate thymes call for disparate measurers.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 01 2020
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 05 2020
A guy calls 911 in a panic.
βMy wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!β
βCalm down,β the 911 operator says. βIs this her first child?β
βNo, you idiot!β the guy shouts. βThis is her husband!β
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 05 2020
What was the name of that Meteor will cause Gen Z to panic?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 17 2020
Why are British people always in a panic?
Because they canβt find the brexit
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 03 2019
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.
"That's easy. These are khakis."
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︎ Dec 24 2018
If you ever find yourself in lava, don't panic.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 13 2019
My son started to panic after he dropped a huge jar of pickles and got pickles everywhere.
βDonβt worry,β I told him. βEverythingβs kosher.β
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 10 2019
Can i go to the Panic at the disco concert?
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 23 2019
A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way
To which Yoda responded, βoff course, we are.β
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 21 2019
A Panic! At The Disco would be better than 5 seconds of summer
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Blind panic
Whatβs the worst thing a blind person can read in braille.
βDo not touchβ
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︎ Feb 22 2019
My mom had a bit of a panic this morning when none of the gifts were wrapped.
My dad said not to worry. He's doing them presently.
π︎ 22
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︎ Dec 25 2016
What do you call it when ISIS caused global panic?
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 20 2016
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneβs panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itβs the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.
π︎ 151
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︎ May 17 2020
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneβs panic buying sausages and cheese..
Itβs the Wurst KΓ€se scenario
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 18 2020
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it.
I think I covered my tracks.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 14 2019
I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panicβ¦
But then I remembered that itβs always going to be okay.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 25 2019
I just accidentally superglued my thumb & index finger together, and at first I started to panic...
but then I remembered that itβs always going to be okay.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 02 2018
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