He said, itβs on the house.
To spite him, I gave him some water
If I don't pay them within a week, they have threatened to send the bay leafs around.
She's a farmercist
(based on a true story)
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
You better pay the piper.
So I hear my niece running around in our house and also a dog running around with her and was immediately confused wondering why she and a dog were just running up and down the hallway. Then I went to see what was happening and she was playing fetch with the dog. So I asked my mom, "then why was she running? Is she simply so stupid that she throws a thing and tries to fetch it herself because for a second there she forgot whether she was the dog or the person?" To which my mom replied, "it wouldn't be farfetched. ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°) " ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
A deador
It's ok. It pays the Bills.
I told her it owes me money.
So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"
Me: Here's the 5$ I owe you. Dad: don't you mean 23,000$.
IRS: Itβs time for you to pay your taxes
Me: Ok, how much is it?
IRS: Well, thatβs up to you to figure it out
Me: Cool, so I can pay as much as I want
IRS: Oh no! We know EXACTLY how much you owe and if you do it wrong you could go to jail
Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.
- What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
- Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
- These puns aren't very eggciting.
- lettuce taco bout it?
- I will asalt you with puns!
- What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
- What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
- Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
- I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
- You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
- Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
- What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
- What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
- How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!
I'm sorry for the cringe...
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
a carrot
One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple βread my mindβ routine that takes Louβs last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canβt. I canβt loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canβt. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youβll owe me 10 Β
Lou Costello: Ok, Iβll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatβs right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatβs right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donβt change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iβm not changing the subject; youβre trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereβs your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iβm paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donβt know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatβs the way you feel about it, thatβs the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youβll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iβm not running in, youβre pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canβt help it if you canβt handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereβs your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonβt loan a pal $50.
But if it was i think we're all owed an apollogy
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
I still owe a lot, I'm just not paying anymore.
It's ok. It pay the Bills.
Itβs: plagiarism.
The other vowel says, βAye E! I owe you!β
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"
I had the time of my life.
The other vowel says, βAye, E! I owe you!β
The other vowel says, βAye E! I owe you!β
So a vowel saves another vowelβs life
The other vowel says, βAye E! I owe you"
he loves them
I said to him, "I owe you big time"
