I like having opposable thumbs.

They're very handy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweet_chick283
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...

That took a lot of balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Whenever I say anything to my horse, he denies it, refuses it, opposes it, or is skeptical or cynical about it.

He's a real neighsayer.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Normally I’m opposed to animal testing... v.redd.it/kqihq4er7oh31
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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I read that Russia opposes Israel's annexation of parts of the West Bank, well Putin can just go Crimea river
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacojohn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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What did Vladimir Putin's followers tell his opposers?

Quit Putin him down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyfavoriteThings0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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I’m very opposed to using old forms of communication,

You can call me an anti-faxer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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I used to be opposed to being an organ donor...

But then I had a change of heart!!

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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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I’d give having opposable thumbs, two thumbs up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISFJ-T
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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As opposed to pupendicular.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rlschlesinger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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I was originally opposed to the idea of planting a seed on my back

But it's really grown on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TerlerSwerft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Why are Christians so opposed to carbon dating?

Because they think carbon should be married already.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeeZeR_FroG
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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My mom’s sisters got in an argument, and their stances were diametrically opposed.

They were Auntie-theticals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TGus116
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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Confession time

I’ve really been opposed to beards in the past because I don’t like how they look. But because of laziness, I now have a beard. And to be honest, it’s really grown on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0NN0Rwdwrd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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For sale
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farm_sauce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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Did you hear that New Zealand came up with a new use for sheep?

They now use them for wool

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerbellybegone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.

It weighed won ton.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Why do my fingers refuse to agree with my thumbs?

Because my thumbs are opposable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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I would pay serious Monet for this
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sati1984
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Did you hear that the Pope has the avian bird flu?

He got it from one of the cardinals

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2016
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My left thumb doesn’t agree with my right thumb’s political views.

He finds them opposable.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Why can't your fingers agree unanimously?

Because the thumbs always oppose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A house brick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UNDERDOG_OUTSIDER
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Waiter: Do you wanna box for that?

You: I don't box. How about a quick round of poker?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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Challenge: Absorption/Dye/Paint Puns

I'm doing a poster on Electron Absorption Spectroscopy, where we measure the absorption of 4 Dyes, and I need a title. My old title was "Dye Another Day" but I decided to make the poster paint themed as opposed to James Bond themed and if possible I'd like a title that reflects that. Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoveDeluxe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
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A Blonde Joke

My boyfriend and I had just pulled a pizza out of the oven, and he asked me how many pieces he should cut it into. Grinning and smooth as can be, I laid this blonde joke on him (I am naturally medium blond) "Oh, cut it into 6, I could never eat 8!" The look of WTF was priceless!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/topgirlaurora
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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Hamlet has to pee[Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class: β€œTo pee, or not to pee, that is the question. Whether β€˜tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention. Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it. To go-to pee, No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: β€˜tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d. β€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmiller25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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All in favor of making horse sounds say "aye"!

Opposed?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-pu-36-ESM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Boyfriend paused the small talk at his family's Passover dinner

Conversation between bf and his cousin:

Bf: So, what's new with you?

Cousin: I wish I had something cool to say to that, like, I built an aircraft with my bear hands! I never have anything cool like that...

Bf: Understandable! How could you have built an aircraft without opposable thumbs?

Moment of silence. Moment of laughter. Queue interesting conversation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/romadiansky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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"Stable genius"

An original from my dad's Facebook:

Y'know, back in the day, if you said "stable genius," you'd be talking 'bout Mr. Ed. Of course, back then, you'd be talking 'bout an entire horse, as opposed to the rear half that currently resides in the Oval Office.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmutter3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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"All in favour of a horse president say Yea"

silence

"All who oppose say Nay"

"Horse county has been without a leader for…"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jakovasaurr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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So I was telling my dad about the new TRON movie...

And he says: "New TRON? As opposed to the pro TRON?" ^(neutron / proton )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NortySpock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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Anytime we meet new people and my mums not about.

My wife’s gone to the Caribbean.

Oh, Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord.

He does it mainly with other dads. Who all seem to be in on it and ALWAYS ask "Jamaica"as opposed to another Caribbean island! It's like a world wide conspiracy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnArcticMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Got my friend with a good one the other day

So my friend is a photographer and always notices the lighting and comments on how it would be for taking photos. We walk out my house and it's all gloomy.

Me: Ugh, it's so gloomy out. Her: I love it! The low key lighting is great for photos! Me: As opposed to Thor lighting? Her: Grooaaannn....

Haha 'low key' = 'Loki'? Ehh, I'm a dork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockManipulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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This morning at work

I have been avoiding the coffee at work as it has the same pH as battery acid and has been bugging my stomach. As such, I've been making tea as a pick-me-up in the morning. I was in the break room making my morning tea while a coworker was making some coffee.

Coworker: "So no coffee today?"

Me: "Nope. It's not really my cup of tea anymore. As opposed to this cup of tea, which is my cup of tea."

Commence groaning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcconnox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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Happened during dinner.

Mom: Can you check on the pizza in the oven? Dad: As opposed to where?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hugh__Janus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Soya milk

I come home with a bottle of soya milk (as opposed to the regular milk that my family is used to).

Dad: What's that?

Me: Soya milk.

Dad: Soya think that's good for you?

Awesome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jinkies287
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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