Had an unexpected confrontation with death today. Damn bug flew right into my eye.

I’m still trying to get some closure.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hunkerdown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who had a confrontation with the Vietnamese sandwich shop owner?

He kept telling him β€œgo ahead, I don’t care, ban me!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Thank you for the awards. You made my day πŸ˜ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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The first step in confronting a crafting problem,

is a mitten knit.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I confronted my friend Mark because he refuses to return my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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What did the weed say when confronting the piece of paper?

Im gonna be blunt with you,

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kneegears1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Yesterday I was confronted by a bunch of angry prostitutes.

It was a hoes-tile situation.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinayak0072017
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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What happens when a relish confronts someone changing clothes?

A dressing addressing a dressing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Persons1001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:

This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendo20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.

I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know"

Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?"

"I'm adopted"

He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTeeBee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

πŸ‘︎ 673
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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Management confronted the maintenance man on why he was installing bars on the public toilet...

Turns out he was making an Arrestroom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RidleyXJ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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When confronted by other birds about his inability to fly, the penguin was unflappable
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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A man confronts a Shepard who is rumored to have sex with his sheep.

The Shepard replies: Fuck what you heard.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLilSleepy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti…

You should've seen her confront when I drove pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zchxz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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A dishevelled Nunn walks into a nunnery

Mother superior confronts her and says "what on earth happened to you? You look like you've gone through a hedge backwards"

The Nunn responds "I know I've got a bad habit"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastwilson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.

I confronted him and said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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I saw two women exercising today.

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jr_flood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Endgame spoiler Alert.

I couldn't help but think that the final confrontation between Thanos and Tony Stark would be the ultimate dad joke in the universe. Might not sound like much, but this is how that scene played out in my head.

Thanos (about to snap, after the scuffle with Tony) : I am... inevitable.

Tony : Hi inevitable, I'm Iron Man.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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My girlfriend doesn't like to argue about Indian food.

She's pretty naan confrontational.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchAmarthofBodom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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There’s an African guy who’s addicted to swimming...

But every time he’s confronted about it, he gives it no importance.

You could say that he’s living in da Nile.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElPorTuu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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They're always talking about me behind my back, it's very hurtful

I finally confronted them. "You discussed me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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Dead rabbit

A dead rabbit stands at the pearly gates, confronted by God.

'What did you have for breakfast over the last week?' God asks. 'Well' said the rabbit, 'let me see. On Monday I had peanut butter on toast, on Tuesday it was jam on toast, on Wednesday I had marmite on toast...' 'I see' God interrupted, 'you died of myxing-ya-toastis'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/king_ginger4999
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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My favorite so far. (Long)

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xctwprice
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flanky_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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My wife said she got a job at the hospital, but recently she let slip she's working in labor and delivery....do you think she's cheating on me?

How should I confront her about this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSmashPosterGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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A pear

A friend of mine had an oddly shaped pear in his lunch and confronted me about it.

him: Look at this pear

Me: I only see one

He ignored me but another buddy of mine laughed at it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noahsgnar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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A man was walking down the street late at night...

He was confronted by an evil witch, who put a spell on him. Before he could do anything about it, the man realised that his body had disappeared and he was nothing more than a floating head. He decided to call it a day and go home, "I'm just gonna quit whilst i'm a head" he said to himself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamsaron
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report

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