I saw a guy standing on one leg in front of the ATM this morning...
I asked him what he was doing. He said he was checking his balance.
Pyromaniacs only want one thing on Tinder and its disgusting...
All the matches they can get
With so many disagreements on Reddit, there is one thing I can gladly say we agree on…
Everyone reading this is on the same page.
He got down on one knee, and she pulled out a gun.
She wasn’t familiar with the rules of engagement.
My son (9) just hit me with this one, "You must have been born on the highway…"
…that's where all the accidents happen.
A Mexican magician says he can disappear on the count of three. No one believes him. So he counts, “Uno, dos.”
And he’s gone without a tres.
2 Nuns driving down a dark road when a vampire jumps on the car, one Nun says to the other "quick show him your cross!"
The Nun hangs out the window and shouts "Get off the fucking car!!"
In the 80's and 90's, I was so addicted to rap that I would hang posters of my favorite artists all over my room. One day, I was ready hang yet another one. I marked the perfect spot on the wall, picked up a nail, and then thought to myself... stop.
My husband made this one up on our walk today... he's a dad so I think this fits both the spirit and the letter of the law (so to speak)...
What do you call a creature who goes away in winter and comes back in spring?
An annu-mal
A boy and his father were sitting on the front porch of their home one summer evening. The boy had overhead a conversation at the doctors office and had a question for his father. "Dad?" His father replied. "Yea son?". "What's an alcoholic?" the boy asked.
"Well son.." searching his mind for an explanation. "You see those 4 trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see 8 trees." The boy, confused, replied: "But Dad,
there's only 2 trees."
We fell WAY behind on construction today when one of the roofers got sick and didn’t show...
My daughter just dropped this one on me: Why was Cinderella so bad at playing tennis?
...Because her coach was a pumpkin.
I got a 72" wood panel TV for watching concert DVDs on. I've got one from The Boss up next.
I love watching Bruce Springsteen on my spruce big screen.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill, the one asks the one humming, “do you have a favourite song?”
The one humming says, “well… all my life I’ve been a heavy metal fan”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.
Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.
Two men get on an elevator. On the way to the top floor, one farts. They stand there silently.
As they leave the elevator, the one who farted looks at the other and says “I apologize. That was wrong on so many levels.”
Why should you never wear one of those fancy old watches on your hip?
Because it’s a waist of time.
I’ve told several jokes about chemistry on this sub. No one upvotes or comments. They don’t downvote either.
Seems I just can’t get a reaction.
What is a word that no one cares for on Valentine’s Day. Hint: it begins with a ‘W’ & ends with ‘ife’
Two idiots were on the roof. The big fat one fell off. Know why the small guy didn't?
My eight-year- old just dropped this one on me after seeing the optometrist
8: Do you have sunglasses?
Dad: no, we didn’t bring them. We didn’t know you were going to get your eyes dilated. Just put your mask over your eyes.
8: No way. I don’t want to get corona-iris!
Went on one of those "once in a lifetime trips".
I'll tell you what...
Never again.
An estate agent is selling basements stacked on top of each other. They take me to the one closest to the surface, the penthouse. They say:
>! ‘This is one of our top cellars.’ !<
One day, god started a competition between his angels to see who could create the biggest natural disaster on earth.
The winner got a catastrophy.
I went to the local beekeeper to buy some bees. All of them had a price tag on except one..
Rudolph and his grandson are on a walk one evening when he sees a storm approaching. Rudolph says, we should head back before it starts pouring. How do you know it’s gonna rain? asks the grandson.
Rudolph the red knows raindear
Planning on getting myself one of those 3840 × 2160 pixel tvs in next weeks sales
It'll be my new years resolution
My wife and I were going to have a ceremony to once again profess our love for one another, but I had to have emergency surgery on my rectum.
Turns out, I had to renew my bowels.
Can you name one of the uncontested happiest people on earth, past & present ?
Neil Armstrong
He once was over the moon.
Pulled a fast one on the wife
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
One of the most pleasing pages on this website is r/citrus.
I liked my drawing/painting better on this one.
My 9 yo daughter dropped this one on me today (sorry if repost): what do you call a hotdog that isn’t hot anymore?
I'm Patton myself on the back for this one
Grandpa Corn has one last request on his death bed.
I spent a lot of time on this one. Do you think it's overdrawn?
My cable service package comes with nearly a hundred channels - I can hardly focus on just one at a time!
My son pulled a good one on me at Knott’s Berry Farm
Dad, if this place is NOT Berry’s farm, then whose farm is it??
So I like to stand on one leg sometime, like a flamingo, to help with building my balance...
My girlfriend always rolls her eyes at me and the other day she snapped and yelled at me to stop. I said, “This is my house, don’t make me put my foot down..”
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
I saw a guy at the ATM, standing on one leg
He was checking his balance
Saw a man standing on one leg in front of an ATM. I asked him "WTF", and he smiled:
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