Well fruit flies like bananas!
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
He had lots of laugh lines.
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I used to be a film photographer but learned it was a negative hobby.
One that lens itself to bad puns.
The kind that make you shutter.
I have proof.
He responds, “Yeah with a different chick each time!”
Or worse, that it might not.
Me: Well how else would I put them on?
I think I’ll sleep on it.
While many have found this unique my wife finds this time consuming.
Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"
This kid is going places.
"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."
2:30
Son: "Mommy. Do you know who wrote this book?"
Wife: "No, buddy. Who?"
Son: "The author."
...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."
One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)
Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)
A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"
It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:
"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."
Pause...
Laughs all round...
Then one grounded kid.
You should always cook with fresh herbs.
(yeah, spelling isn't the same, works better as an audio-only joke).
Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.
> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"
Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.
(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.
What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.
I stub my toe on something
Me: "Dammit I just hit my toe on the coffee table!!"
Dad: "Need me to call a toe truck??????"
Never fucking fails.....
Love him though.
"Sometimes," he said.
Son: Do you want some Easter egg Daddy? Me: Yeah cheers mate but i'll save mine for Ron. Son: Who's Ron Daddy? Me: LATER-ON!!! HAHAHA.!!! I'm still chuffed with myself.
Someone would walk into class with "pre-ripped" jeans on.
Teacher: Oh hey, wearing your golf pants today?
Student: What? What do you mean?
Teacher: Your golf pants! They got 18 holes!
First grade, I'm in the school play because, well, every one was. I can sing, always have been pretty good at it, so they gave me the job of playing Sebastian in our Little Mermaid rendition. We're singing "Under the Sea" and I look out to the audience to see my dad, in the front row, making the biggest, puffiest fish face his head will physically allow. I haven't done much acting since then.
Me: I'm hungry.
Dad: Nice to meet ya hungry, I'm Jack.
