Old Day Puns

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

My how the stables have turned.

... Totally in my Element.

When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, “Don’t choke on your ambitions.”

My son looked at my and said, “Ha Ha! Dad joke!”

So proud.

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

Now I’m just dating myself

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...

I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”

I instantly responded “I swear it was new when I bought it” this was the moment I knew my wife and I we’re ready to start trying.

Barratuesdi

It was not a Sellers market

It was made yeasterday

I asked her, “Do those taste good??”

She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”

So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”

The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

He's okay now though, he quit cold turkey

Those were just fax!

An Oldie butt, bares repeating.

I think he's going through a midlife crisis.

They weren't born yesterday

So I pushed her.

What a waist of time.

I responded, "that is a prime example."

My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!

My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."

I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"

Groans and laughs ensued.

Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?

4 days old.

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?

Her: Paper.

I was so proud.

When my wife asked what was happening, I replied, "I was just teasing her."

At 4th of July party when I saw a buddy from high school there. He has a two year old of his own and lives like two houses down from me.

We were in group talking and as we were both about to leave I said:

"if you are ever in the neighborhood feel free to stop in"

Kind of lame but got a few chuckles!

Dark humor and anti-vax kids

He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:

Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"

So proud right now.

Funset!

https://i.imgur.com/gCd9CRy.jpg

I'm proud.

https://i.imgur.com/6y1Kp2l.jpg

As soon as a person walks in and sees this, they would know to expect good luck and fortune from the owner of the house and the whole family, but only if all of the chicks hatch and are all healthy. Every time you left a house, it was considered good luck to look at the hen, and wish it well to have all of its chicks born happy, healthy, and for the hen to live a long life. This is why they call it an egg-sit!!!

"Oh, it's just a badge oak."

The MGM lion is doing his thing at the beginning and she says "oooh that's a scary tiger"

I quickly retorted, "that's a lion you know it!"

My dad asked if he could get an additional discount since they are now year old pastries.

Who’s the smelliest billionaire in the world? Elon MUSK!!

Daycare Lady: "does your Grandpa have a house on the lake?"

Son (with a serious face): "no his house is on the grass."

My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?" I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!" She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved. I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.

4 year old: "Ok, repeat after me"

2 year old: "After me"

Me: beaming with pride

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd let it go.

I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.

He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"

But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"

Hah! Gotem!

https://streamable.com/ksnov

yesterdanish

I asked her "Did it taste good?" which just got more crying.... my dad jokes are improving.

I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

I would say tanks for shopping with us and no one would notice.

"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"

I stub my toe on something

Me: "Dammit I just hit my toe on the coffee table!!"

Dad: "Need me to call a toe truck??????"

Never fucking fails.....

Love him though.

A face-plant.

Ancient Grease.

He calls the washer the "wetter".

Me: How many times do you think electricians get electrocuted? Dad: Once.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Big fingers.

So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

It was a waist of time