Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
You know there's no official training for garbagemen?

They just pick things up as they go along.

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you the official name of Santa’s Elves?

Subordinate Clauses

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManCaveGamer2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars...

or they could be charged with a salt.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 543
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imaginator127
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Official song of nun's formally leaving a convent:

Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of drunk state officials who make decisions?

A beeraucracy.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icantgivetitwanks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the official game of Corona Virus Quarantine?

Solitaire.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
[OC] The prehistoric shark in a limbo competition asked the presiding official, Don, to lower the bar. β€œLow enough?” Don asked.

β€œNo, I want it even lower. I want it mega-low, Don.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/budcuddly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s official, scientists have proven that more birthday celebrations is officially linked to a longer life span
πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rangent
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
what's the official medical term for a woman-to-man sex change operation?

Attachadictomy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
It's official The British Prime Minister has resigned.

It was expected though, It's the end of May after all.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnysmart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
This is official
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roboragemachine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Just bought a new bottle of the official aftershave of r/dadjokes

It’s Pungent.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm proud to share with you all, my official bucket list

https://www.amazon.com/slp/plastic-bucket/7yxmhgjes5fn6uz

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evohans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Julie Andrews will not endorse that popular vibrant shade of lipstick. She says it breaks too easily and gives her bad breath. Her official statement on this........

The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a government officials favorite kind of christmas light?

A Blinkin' one

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cXoXdXy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
And yes, that is their Official Facebook page. imgur.com/xAwV4Sa
πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Williusthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

That's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McCushAgin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Thought I got followed by the official Hanson twitter account

But it turned out to be an MmmBot

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a high ranking Russian government official that is also a fish?

A czardine

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/havealittlepun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call and official government order that involves two guys going to dinner?

A mandate.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is now an official dad

Me: okay we can try manwhich, sounds manly (talking about sloppy joes)

Her: its basically just a warlock

Me: oof

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dewdrive101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Remembering my first official dad joke.

My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

"Ooh is that Baby Magic," she asks.

"Nah, he's just an ordinary baby."

Then I realized I was a real dad.

πŸ‘︎ 604
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffreyGlen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin' wild.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooShus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My first official dadjoke

My first son was born late on Sunday night. My parents came to visit my family in the hospital today and my dad was telling me how they thought they had parked next to my car before they saw the parking spot was marked "Clergy Only".

I told him I could park there because I was a Father now.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the melons have an official wedding?

Because they can’t elope!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChingChongMan123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My first child was just a few hours old when i made my very first official dad joke a few days ago.

My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?" I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!" She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved. I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.

πŸ‘︎ 343
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebestisyetocome
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2014
🚨︎ report
A sculpture of an expert art critic could be considered an artificial art official
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoelessdrummer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
🚨︎ report
The pope asked me to take care of his official ceremonial handbag

It's a blessing, and a purse.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benrules2
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke

My son was born today and after the delivery my wife said "I'm tired" and I said "hi tired, I'm dad" she wasn't happy lol

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maintenanceman42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame

But the instructions just say β€˜You know the rules, and so do I”

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector?

They just pick it up as they go.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick things up as they go along.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skeletonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know that there is no official training for garbage men?

They are just expected to pick it up as they go along.

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VanceTuckahoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnysmart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along...

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
🚨︎ report

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