1. What is the most important drink in life?
Vitali-tea.
2. What do you call an uptight man with wet tapestry?
A wet blanket with a wet blanket.
3. Describe an uptight man with an erection holding an alcoholic beverage.
A stiff with a stiff with a stiff.
4. What do you call introverted window blinds?
A shutter-in.
5. What do you call an uncooked deer cookie?
Dat doe dough 'dough.
6. What do you call a plant's religion?
Agri-culture.
7. What do you call a football players' phone charger?
A Charger's phone charger.
8. What do you call a clock tower striking twelve?
High noon.
That's all I got.
Opinions.
My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.
These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):
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I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.
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My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!
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What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.
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Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
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I don't trust trees, they're too shady.
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I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
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Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.
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Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.
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Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.
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Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.
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Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
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I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
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What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.
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Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
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Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.
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Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
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You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
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What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.
I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.
You see a cave full of pants and treasure. You ask, "Why are there pants in this cave?"
I answer, "To protect my booty."
The look of disappointment is heart breaking when I tell him that I can actually see him.
โWhatโs the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!โ
So I yelled โWell I donโt know son, thatโs why I need a battery!โ
"A Meow-tain". She brought a proud tear to my eye.
- What do you call a doctor who fixes teeth for car crash victims?
- An... acci-dentist?
Proud dad moment.
Me telling my wife about bowling.
"I got 4 strikes, but 2 gutter balls.."
Daughter "You must have been gutted."
sniff So proud.
...because he wanted to play with the Leafs
Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class
My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"
Student #1: "Make me"
Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."
Irritable vowel syndrome.
I shit you not.
A couple of hours
(While he plays Miles Morales Spider Man game, helping the police stop whatever disaster is at hand)
Kiddo: Dad, what's SWAT do? Me: Well, it stands for Special Weapons and Tac... Kiddo: No, Dad. Swatters smash bugs.
I was so proud.
He said, โWrong. It starts with a โYesโ.โ
My 6y/o daughter just hit me with this one:
"How does the man in the moon cut his hair?"
"Eclipse it!"
She got a full on dad joke groan out of me, and I couldn't be prouder. <3
I give her a nightly dad joke from this forum.
Tonight she got me
Hey: whatโs a kidnappers favorite shoes
Me: (not expecting a dad joke)I donโt know
Her: white vans
Me: speechless.
I said, "how?"
She goes, "When it's all-done-te!"
Very proud.
I said "Well it's 'afraid-o' you, 'cus you're gonna eat it."
"hands up!"
Anyway, thatโs just my two scents.
But Noel
My 2 year old has got a pyjama with a fried egg person on it. Last night they didn't say "Eiermann" (eggman) but "Heiamann" (beddy-bed-man).
Pumpkin Pi
โAh... car keys???โ โNo, cookies!โ ... Iโm so proud.
Serbs him right!
6yo: Dad, what is duck tape for?
me: to fix ducks
6yo: why would you fix ducks???
me: because sometimes they get quacks in them
Jan 7, 2017 โข Loganville, Ga
Child; "My calf is not feeling so good, daddy."
Me: "Well, put it out in the pasture and let it get some hay."
Child: <pure rage>
Terrible joke
Only 3 stars
A Lieberry!
(Needless to say, very proud Dad moment, ha!)
Eel on musk.
I have zero K ($) to my name
Opinions.
Because it had Irritable Vowel Syndrome
