Mortar Puns

I found this out when the house I'd built blew itself up.

"I'm board!"

The cement responded, saying "that joke leaves me mortar-fied."

They used a mortar and PEZ-tle.

Yeah, it's dumb but it sure beats a repost!

...and we just asked for another bottle of wine:

Waitress: Do you want the same one?

Dad: No, we want a full one, that one's empty.

Classic.

To be fair, you have to have a pretty high IQ to understand brick and mortar.

...but one does not simply walk into mortar

Use a mortar and pestle.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

When he was stirring the mortar, he told me to get him something to stir it with, but he told me it couldn't be a fork. I asked why, and he said "cause then I'd be a mortar forker."