A list of puns related to "Monitored"
Now my hand Hz.
It just hertz a little.
It took us a while to work out a proper resolution
That hertz!
Basically my overall performance was compared with Appleβs and Orangeβs.
but one LED to another.
right where it hertz.
They RGBees knees
Itβs per DM
Now that's grandstanding.
Every hole's a goal
I can't stand it!
...you can only hertz It.
He bought one, but he still can't stand it.
We won't stand for this!
Guess you could call it a screen resolution.
Had so many bed bugs
I don't know anyone else that can do 60 frames per second
Let's see how displays out
but then I lost my drive.
This screensaver is shit
I got a badge and a sash that read, "Halal Monitor"
It's a deskjet.
The other day, my 2 year old son and I went to visit my dad at his new job as a college teacher. As he was giving us a tour, we stopped by the office of the computer science professor to chat. My son saw some computer monitors on the floor in his office and asked "what's that?" To which the computer professor, who is a grandpa himself, replied "those are monitors. Maybe I should set them outside my door, then they'd be HALL monitors!" We three dad's got a good chuckle out of that. My toddler, not so much.
I have a Czech one too...
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
A TV
Good news: Iβve got it under Ctrl.
Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"
Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"
Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...
It' glassified.
I told him βI donβt. But i guana learn somedayβ
Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.
The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...
ahem...
Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.
Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.
Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.
The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.
That's the theory, at least.
Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.
Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out
... keep reading on reddit β‘My bad sense of humour got me banned from /r/pcmastterace.
I was discussing distance from monitors with another user and they replied with "just touching the monitor when I do a hitler pose." I got banned after I said I was happy to have heilped in any way that I canpf.
I should have guessed that pcmasterrace mods were very sensitive to any racist references, but I did nazi the ban coming.
https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/79853x/50_more_for_a_1440p_monitor/dp03xd6/
...it megahertz.
I guess Iβm the halls monitor.
Monitor it.
They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.
We had a large shipment of LED screens arrive at work today. They were all stacked up near a colleague's desk, let's call him Jim.
I approached my boss and asked "Is Jim in trouble?"
My boss looks at me, puzzled "No?"
"Then why's he been so heavily monitored!"
As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"
Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....
She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.
My husband to me after putting our 3 year old down for bedtime:
"Oh, crap. I need to go get the monitor..."
pauses in the doorway
"You go get the Merrimac."
I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood.
He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES before saying:
"I'm glad the management is making sure nothing FISHY is going on!"
A monitor lizard
Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs
Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov
Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide
Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore
Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe
Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood
Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass
Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout
Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder
Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing
Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors
Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz
Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff
Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer
Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket
Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales
Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz
Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz
Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive
Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall
Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov
Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods
Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy
Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling
Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot
Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits
My coworker/good friend of mine works out in the field performing these surveys and for the latest airport job he said to me that this airport is basically dead and that there's hardly anyone there consistently working in the office, monitoring the radio, etc.
So I asked him, "then what does someone do if they're out flying and want to land there... [start jabbing him with my elbow] just WING it??"
I should be ashamed but I'm still laughing at myself. No I am not a dad (technically).
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type.
I turned to my wife.
Wife: "Don't"
Me: "Look! He's got dual monitors!"
My son groaned and my work was done.
My dad was sat in his chair, on his laptop, when all of a sudden he summoned me to his side. As I sit by him, he points at the screen. A spider has found its way onto the monitor.
"Do you know what its doing?" He asked.
"No" I replied.
"It's on the web."
I had just taken a fall down a flight of stairs and hit my head the week before so my dad and I went to visit the radiologist to gets some scans done to monitor the damage. After the scans were finished the radiologist went to talk to my dad about the results. When they had finished talking my dad came to talk to me with a grave look on his face. Dad: bleedingllamadance I'm sorry to say, they found something on the scan... Me: What did they find? Am I going to be okay? Dad: I'm sorry but.... they found a brain! (laughs until he starts wheezing) Dad: But actually you do have a hairline fracture on your skull
...and in the O.R. they were putting on her monitor around her ankle and my wife, who is still getting stitched up, says "She's just like her Daddy, she's already got her first ankle monitor"
Had mentioned earlier last week that around this time of year I get a pretty nasty glare on my monitor from the sun in the afternoon...
Today:
Me - Here comes the sun.
Them - Great, you just got that song stuck in my head.
Me - and I say it's all right.
Them - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)
Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)
Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."
Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"
Me: "What the crab is this?"
Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.
(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)
I was at the Zoo yesterday and walking around with a large group of people being guided around. We came up to the reptile area and happened to stop outside the "Lace monitor" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lace_monitor) exhibit.
A few moments later the guide asked if anyone knew anything about the Lace monitor, to which I replied "They wait for little kids to run past and shout HEY YOU! DO UP YOUR LACES!!".
Not a single laugh. The SO stepped away from me.
I asked, "Why do you care about the NSA monitoring church gatherings?"
He retorted, "Well, separation of church and state."
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