Safely Monitored
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Admiral_PWN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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I punched my monitor...

Now my hand Hz.

πŸ‘︎ 646
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I hate watching YouTube on my old monitor. It's all laggy and slow, it just...

It just hertz a little.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaBreece_742
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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We had a critical issue at work today, the icons on the monitor screen were small

It took us a while to work out a proper resolution

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faisalz8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What does your monitor tell you when you punch it for losing a game?

That hertz!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M1shuTheOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I used Apple Watch to monitor my workout when I was at Orange Theory ...

Basically my overall performance was compared with Apple’s and Orange’s.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hahaha_Joker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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They’ve upgraded the security to hall monitors
πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Give some love to monitor lizards plz
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquid_Caesium
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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I thought I would be happy with one new monitor

but one LED to another.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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It's a security monitor. imgur.com/tSzAsd5
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,

right where it hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PsychoCow1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The fact that everything we see in monitors is made up of only red, green and blue is amazing. I suppose you could say...

They RGBees knees

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spudzzy03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Apple releases a $1,000 monitor stand
πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabberzx3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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I got a new job monitoring someone’s twitter and Instagram messages

It’s per DM

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApplewoodWarrior
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?

Now that's grandstanding.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/titanroller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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I use the notches on my belt to monitor how much weight I'm losing

Every hole's a goal

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LashGips
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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Duel Monitors
πŸ‘︎ 782
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardypart
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
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I want to buy Apple's new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can't stand it!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OdieEstee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Hall Monitor
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casualevils
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Monitors your health
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mounis11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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You can’t kill your computer monitor

...you can only hertz It.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crash8308
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Have you heard about the man who was outraged by the price of Apple's new monitor?

He bought one, but he still can't stand it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NatNothan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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We need to monitor Apple more closely.

We won't stand for this!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Finally fixed my computer monitor

Guess you could call it a screen resolution.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Tried to make a software that monitors how much one uses their bed...

Had so many bed bugs

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateking1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A computer will always win in bowling

I don't know anyone else that can do 60 frames per second

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/findingcheeko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the clueless tech support guy say when I told him my monitor isn't working anymore

Let's see how displays out

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rizzlamuerte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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I used to sell computer parts,

but then I lost my drive.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I think they are monitoring the supply room at work
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Duel Monitors (X-post /r/pcmasterrace)
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rastaaman1996
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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Dual Monitors
πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daveeeeeeep
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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Monitoring other subs for Puns
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/layzworm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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Credit goes to Puns on Facebook. I am partly colour blind and this is f’in funny!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Good_Alibi
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I punched my monitor and it broke.

This screensaver is shit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Herbaberbaderb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Growing up I went to an all-Muslim school. The teacher asked me to make sure that my classmates weren't sneaking bacon at lunch.

I got a badge and a sash that read, "Halal Monitor"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unklethan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Network Engineer. Stuck at work monitoring the help desk so everyone else can go home early for the holiday. Watching The Godfather. imgur.com/VKpoxpm
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Mulberry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Walked into the office only to see my printer flying around my monitor.

It's a deskjet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
🚨︎ report
x-post from funny: Misspell 'dual monitors' prompts wonderful dad-jokes
πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vincentrose88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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Dodge Ram
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teccsupport
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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I'm not sure if this will go orwell with you guys, but...
πŸ‘︎ 771
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megabits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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Hall monitors...

The other day, my 2 year old son and I went to visit my dad at his new job as a college teacher. As he was giving us a tour, we stopped by the office of the computer science professor to chat. My son saw some computer monitors on the floor in his office and asked "what's that?" To which the computer professor, who is a grandpa himself, replied "those are monitors. Maybe I should set them outside my door, then they'd be HALL monitors!" We three dad's got a good chuckle out of that. My toddler, not so much.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryguy1984
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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Get it?!
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goosetropolis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer...

I have a Czech one too...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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How do you milk sheep?

You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistah-S
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an old CRT monitor with Tank wheels and treads?

A TV

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alverezz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2011
🚨︎ report
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.

Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm not permitted to open the side panel of my PC.

It' glassified.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Velociraptor45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard

I told him β€œI don’t. But i guana learn someday”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Some fights are illuminating
πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confluencer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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I think my New Year's resolution is going to be 1080 x 720
πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheKrixMachine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Got banned from /r/pcmasterrace for heilping others out

My bad sense of humour got me banned from /r/pcmastterace.

I was discussing distance from monitors with another user and they replied with "just touching the monitor when I do a hitler pose." I got banned after I said I was happy to have heilped in any way that I canpf.

I should have guessed that pcmasterrace mods were very sensitive to any racist references, but I did nazi the ban coming.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/79853x/50_more_for_a_1440p_monitor/dp03xd6/

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/navindian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Dropped a computer on my toe today...

...it megahertz.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBeerded
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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At work, I keep extra cough drops in my desk for anyone that needs it.

I guess I’m the halls monitor.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_liquor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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How do you ensure your computer doesn’t secretly steal your data?

Monitor it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions.

They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brewchacki
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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Dadjokes at work

We had a large shipment of LED screens arrive at work today. They were all stacked up near a colleague's desk, let's call him Jim.
I approached my boss and asked "Is Jim in trouble?"
My boss looks at me, puzzled "No?"
"Then why's he been so heavily monitored!"

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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Last night my wife told me the dentist found a crack in her tooth

As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"

Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....

She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are a constant battle...

My husband to me after putting our 3 year old down for bedtime:

"Oh, crap. I need to go get the monitor..."

pauses in the doorway

"You go get the Merrimac."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpstick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad spotted a sign in the supermarket and couldn't resist

I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood.

He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES before saying:

"I'm glad the management is making sure nothing FISHY is going on!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikerothepsycho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross an LCD screen and a reptile?

A monitor lizard

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamnotnick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
🚨︎ report
The production staff of Car Talk at NPR
  • Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

  • Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

  • Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

  • Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

  • Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

  • Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

  • Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

  • Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

  • Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

  • Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

  • Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

  • Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

  • Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

  • Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

  • Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

  • Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

  • Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

  • Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

  • Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

  • Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

  • Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

  • Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

  • Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

  • Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

  • Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedPyro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I work for a survey company and we're currently doing some surveying for some airports throughout the state

My coworker/good friend of mine works out in the field performing these surveys and for the latest airport job he said to me that this airport is basically dead and that there's hardly anyone there consistently working in the office, monitoring the radio, etc.

So I asked him, "then what does someone do if they're out flying and want to land there... [start jabbing him with my elbow] just WING it??"

I should be ashamed but I'm still laughing at myself. No I am not a dad (technically).

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prizzaboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Took wife and son to science night. There was an animal biologist there.

He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type.

I turned to my wife.

Wife: "Don't"

Me: "Look! He's got dual monitors!"

My son groaned and my work was done.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictoriousBadger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad and the spider

My dad was sat in his chair, on his laptop, when all of a sudden he summoned me to his side. As I sit by him, he points at the screen. A spider has found its way onto the monitor.

"Do you know what its doing?" He asked.

"No" I replied.

"It's on the web."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantwon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience

I had just taken a fall down a flight of stairs and hit my head the week before so my dad and I went to visit the radiologist to gets some scans done to monitor the damage. After the scans were finished the radiologist went to talk to my dad about the results. When they had finished talking my dad came to talk to me with a grave look on his face. Dad: bleedingllamadance I'm sorry to say, they found something on the scan... Me: What did they find? Am I going to be okay? Dad: I'm sorry but.... they found a brain! (laughs until he starts wheezing) Dad: But actually you do have a hairline fracture on your skull

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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So my daughter was born today...

...and in the O.R. they were putting on her monitor around her ankle and my wife, who is still getting stitched up, says "She's just like her Daddy, she's already got her first ankle monitor"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turnupthebassto11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Got a good groan out of a coworker

Had mentioned earlier last week that around this time of year I get a pretty nasty glare on my monitor from the sun in the afternoon...

Today:

Me - Here comes the sun.

Them - Great, you just got that song stuck in my head.

Me - and I say it's all right.

Them - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeekendHabuser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo0709
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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At the Zoo

I was at the Zoo yesterday and walking around with a large group of people being guided around. We came up to the reptile area and happened to stop outside the "Lace monitor" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lace_monitor) exhibit.

A few moments later the guide asked if anyone knew anything about the Lace monitor, to which I replied "They wait for little kids to run past and shout HEY YOU! DO UP YOUR LACES!!".

Not a single laugh. The SO stepped away from me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xenzor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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My friend was wearing a shirt that said "End the NSA mass surveillance."

I asked, "Why do you care about the NSA monitoring church gatherings?"

He retorted, "Well, separation of church and state."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FX114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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I punched my monitor and now my hand really hz
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Mohab_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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