I've been messaging a woman on a dating site. She's only 100cm tall.
Just messaging my sister.
Those messaging memes tho
My dad found a new messaging feature
http://i.imgur.com/BY15Jd0.png
(posted this to /r/funny about a month ago but it got removed)
How do cowboys sent secret messages?
I got ten voicemails from Jamaica in the span of an hour. Each message was a separate Bob Marley song.
Some was obviously jammin my phone.
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
This is a message for my father
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Went to visit my grandpa's final resting place and he left a message for me on his tombstone. I couldn't make out what it was.
It was a very cryptic message.
I sent a message to my crush
I was very proud of myself :3
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
We never listen
I wrote my girlfriend a complex poem on a piece of Kleenex. But as it turns out, it was a deep tissue massage that she wanted, not a deep tissue message.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
What do call a bike trail that shows no empathy.
Transcription of a message pic, seen on r/lgbt
Mom: Can you come out?
Kid: Yeah, gimme a minute.
Kid: Mom, I'm gay.
Mom: I know that silly, come out to the car.
Kid: Car, I'm gay.
When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
A dating profile said “Tell me you’re vaccinated”
So my first message to her was “You’re vaccinated.”
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
Son: "Dad, what are condoms used for ?"
Dad: "To avoid such questions."
Told my wife to message the lawn person
Because we are taking our fence down.
She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?
I said: is that really an emojency?
38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.
Why did the Joker enjoyed working in the post office on the weekends ?
Cause it's not about the money . It's about sending a message !
I have been accused of writing a long series of messages about the song "I'm Too Sexy"
But I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.
What do you call a robotic boy that delivers messages?
I got a warning message from a mod saying “my jokes are bringing to much religion and politics into this sub”
I replied saying “let the people in this sub decide, for christ sake”
What do you call an important message to the staff of a building materials company?
I ordered a chicken and an egg online
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
Sweet revenge:) (also the edit is because I had to translate the message so sorry about that)
Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...
So i asked "how'd it break?"
This is by far the best pun of the day , the journalist really drove the message home!
Send me a message if you want to build a boat...
Landed this in a text message thread to my SO
SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?
Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast
SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!
Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
How did Vikings send secret messages?
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it!
If anybody gets a message from me about canned meat
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it!
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