Measuring tape
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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My Dad asked for help with measuring but kept letting go of the other end of the tape measure

He was measuring my patience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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They all ways told me I couldn't make a joke about tape measurers

They told me I'd never measure up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot-hitler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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I’m having an affair with a tape measure.

It’s amazing the lengths it will go to please me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Using exactly 12" of duct tape to fix a leaking pipe is a Stop-Gap Measure

Duct tape used for everything, including puns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirGreybush
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. "Dad, can I borrow you for a minute?"

"Sure, as long as you give me back"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinie_Snipah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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I tried that tape measure joke.

I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it.

"Did you actually need that for anything?"

"No, I'm just trying to measure your patience."

"My patience? I'm not even a doctor."

Learned my lesson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/broshot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?

My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.

".... about 12 feet."

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ bro is basically a certified dad now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clairentine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Three clowns measuring a pole

There were three clowns; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The clowns replied, β€œwe need to know how tall the poles are, not how long!"

source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/three-clowns-measuring-a-pole/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Just happened at work.

Coworker was cutting slots into foam for different tools in the toolbox shelves. He was almost done when he realized he forgot the tape measure. When he went to find a place for it, he said it looks like it would be a tight fit. I looked at him and said "looks like you need to remeasure".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwardell42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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Buying a new hat

The online site said wrap tape around head to measure.

Simple enough but I couldn't get the tape off afterwards without pulling my hair out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trixalator
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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A real bad one to use in the workplace

I was helping a colleague measure something on the workshop floor with a tape measure. I held the end and he walked away with the reel. He got to the end and I looked down at the tape and said "It's zero."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP147
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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Got the coworkers good the other day.

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirbrowses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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So I got a job today

And my dad was at my house. He comes out of the bathroom, hands me a tape measure and says,

"Guess you measure up"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwiehe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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My dad and brother teamed up!

I'm home for the holidays so I was lying down in my room when suddenly my brother and father burst in! My brother is holding a tape measure.

They say "Hey, check out this new physics we've invented!" while my brother fiddles with the tape measure.

I looked up and with a mixture of horror and resignation I asked "What?"

"It's the principle of BELLYTIVITY!" while stretching the tape measure between their belly buttons.

Cackling they both ran out of the room.

I'm stuck here for five more weeks. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Eschaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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