Excuse me, pun master coming through
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta_pants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Me punning my friend, as usual imgur.com/a/e24WH
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoMaGi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes

It Taurus apart

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...

Is this a trick question?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I'm insecure.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me β€œdon’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

πŸ‘︎ 960
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.

Now that’s just mean.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

πŸ‘︎ 902
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dilborg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cREDBARON
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.

...it’s a matter of wife or death.

πŸ‘︎ 543
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
This left me in stitches...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aimilah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..

"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,

I don't listen - and something else.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 983
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 435
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old got me with this one:

5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?

5yo: To get to the dummy's house.

Me:...

5yo:...

Me:...

5yo: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

5yo: The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 482
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wellimnotdeadyet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia

πŸ‘︎ 321
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 496
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil

πŸ‘︎ 547
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankcompany69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 364
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm-aug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...

...I’m all ears.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cognimaniac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket

.. Only got 20%Off

πŸ‘︎ 581
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuisCAG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute I can’t lie
πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what does gay mean

Me: it's means being happy

Son: so are you gay dad?

Me: no son, I have an wife

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CAUSTIC101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

πŸ‘︎ 166
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientPhoenix98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 650
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.