Excuse me, pun master coming through
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
Science puns make me numb
But math puns make me number.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
This left me in stitches...
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
Took me a minute I can’t lie
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
My son asked me what does gay mean
Me: it's means being happy
Son: so are you gay dad?
Me: no son, I have an wife
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
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