What do you call two pigs mating?
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called β69 Mating Positionsβ.
Turns out itβs about Chess strategies.
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︎ Aug 30 2020
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, βThe Colour of Magicβ, Prologue.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
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︎ Jul 13 2020
How does a killer whale end its mating session?
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︎ Jul 28 2019
What do you call two goldfish mating?
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︎ Jul 10 2019
My mate has been tryna learn spanish for 4 years now doesnt even know how to say please
I think thats poor for four
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︎ Sep 21 2020
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! Iβm dead serious mate!
Itβs been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Polar bears are known be extremely moody and sometimes even mate with their own gender.
Thus truly making them bipolar
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Where did Noah put all the beeβs in his Ark?
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Why do lions only mate in the summer?
Because the pride comes before the fall!
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︎ Jul 23 2020
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
One of the T-shirts in my closet asked the other one : Whats up mate.
The other T-shirt replied : Nothing much. Just hanging out here.
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︎ Aug 16 2020
I was talking to my mate earlier...
when I thought to myself "why the fuck are you called Earlier?"
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︎ Jul 27 2020
My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music....
I said, βDidja redo it?β
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My mate David had his ID stolen...
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︎ Jan 07 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
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︎ Dec 06 2019
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
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︎ May 11 2020
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex
The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex.
Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building.
Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
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︎ May 10 2020
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
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︎ May 31 2020
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Do Australians really say mate that often?
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︎ Aug 08 2019
Whatβs it called when a drake chases a female, getting nearer and nearer but never close enough to mate?
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︎ May 01 2020
My addiction to refrigerated poultry has gone too far
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I tried making flour mate but it didn't work!
I thought it could be bred!
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︎ May 02 2020
That moment when your wife goes mateing the neighborhood guy
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︎ Mar 25 2020
My mate lost his toes in a baking accident
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︎ Apr 20 2020
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
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︎ Nov 25 2019
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
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︎ Apr 18 2020
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
My mate keeps buying cars
Heβs got car owner virus
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︎ Mar 12 2020
My good mate asked me if robotic vacuum cleaners are any good, as she wants to buy one.
I told her; "Don't bother buying one, they suck"
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︎ Apr 17 2020
We were at the library when my mate asked "Hey, could I borrow your book mark?"
I got mad and walked out. After 3 years of being college flatmates, he doesn't even know my name is Tom.
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︎ Apr 09 2020
I used to have a room mate. I would clean his room and he would clean mine
We were maid for eachother
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︎ Dec 13 2019
Me and my ex cell mates talk all the time.
We like to talk about spreadsheets.
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︎ Mar 29 2020
Two farmers were talking. "Mate, why do all your sheep have those black stripes on their sides?"
" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "
"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"
"Baa codes mate"
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Iβve got a mate writing a tell all book about life in the snow plough business.
He says it will be a very gritty read.
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︎ Mar 30 2020
TV Narrator* This is a mallard. A mallard is a dabbling duck that breeds throughout the world. This one is in search of a mate. A female will lay 8 to 13 eggs.
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︎ Mar 28 2020
My mate Dave told me heβs started shaving his head to hide his thinning hair.
I think itβs a pretty bald strategy.
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︎ Feb 21 2020
Is it ok to take dermis from your butt and graft it onto your mate?
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︎ Jan 17 2020
Get vectored mate
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︎ Dec 12 2019
βͺMy mate gets really angry if you say a e i o or u in front of him β¬
He has irritable vowel syndrome
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︎ Oct 31 2019
Sorry about the coffee mate
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︎ Feb 26 2019
Why do chess players have so many kids?
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︎ Jul 20 2020
New dating service launched in Prague!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
My mate Gavin passed away from heart burn last week.
Still canβt believe Gaviscon
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︎ Nov 22 2019
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
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︎ Apr 16 2020
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I've had a lot on my plate recently.
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︎ Nov 14 2019
What kind of girl is creamy and keeps you up all night?
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︎ Aug 11 2020
a mate's just been found guilty of using too many commas...
...the judge warned him to expect a long sentence
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︎ Dec 03 2019
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in different wrappers.
Tonight he really got his Snickers in a Twix
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︎ Nov 24 2019
I bumped into my very short mate Peter down the pub. He told a few hilarious stories about the flatbread factory he works in.
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
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︎ Oct 16 2019
I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.
She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.
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︎ Oct 03 2019
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants bartender says βaye mate you have a steering wheeling hanging from your pantsβ
Pirate replies βarrrgh I know and itβs driving me nuts!β
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︎ Nov 20 2019
Mate of mine used a modified Fatman in a New Vegas inspired talbetop-RPG. We both found the damage calculation of the lingering damage the GM thought of quite punny:
"Type: Radioactive Fallout, 7d6"
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︎ Sep 21 2019
How does an Optometrist in Australia greet his patients?
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︎ Aug 30 2020
My mate told me that putting superglue on my rifle was a bad idea, but I'm sticking to my guns
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︎ Aug 26 2019
Finally got married to the woman of my dreams from Czechoslovakia.
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︎ Jul 12 2020
Nah mate
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︎ Jan 20 2018
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm...
He says to the bloke behind the counter,
βDo you do fishcakes?β
The man behind the counter nods his head and smiles.
βYeah mate.β
Customer points to the cod under his arm.
βBetter make him one then mate, itβs his birthday.β
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︎ Aug 07 2020
My band mate keeps accusing me off hiding her instrument
I swear, it's all bassless claims!
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︎ Nov 13 2019
Certain seabirds mate for life. Because one good tern deserves another.
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︎ Aug 14 2019
Customer- "Give me your dryest wine you've got" Bartender- "Sure mate coming right up"
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︎ Jun 30 2019
What's a cat called when it cheats on it's mate?
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︎ May 30 2019
My mate Gav just died of heartburn!
I can't believe Gaviscon.
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︎ Oct 01 2019
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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︎ Aug 11 2020
What do you call a friend who estimates everything?
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︎ Aug 12 2020
How do you greet a stinky Australian?
B'day, mate!
This joke failed in r/jokes I want to see if you all have a better sense of humor.
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︎ Jun 16 2020
Australian chess players would have difficulty playing chess because it'd be very confusing to figure out if it's a check mate or a checkmate.
Posted this on Showerthoughts thought It'd be more appropriate here.
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︎ Aug 01 2019
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said βcome on mate, make your mind upβ.
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︎ Oct 10 2019
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, βOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!β
The man says, βItβs not a lion itβs a giraffeβ
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︎ Dec 19 2018
Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2:In space, no one can. Here, use cream
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︎ Jul 23 2019
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I donβt know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
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︎ Apr 25 2020
Why did the lonely chess player go to Czechoslovakia?
Because he wanted a Czech mate!
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Second mate
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︎ Mar 27 2019
Who is the Australian Frankenstein's favourite music artist?
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︎ Aug 13 2020
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
The barman replies βsorry mate we only do plainβ
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︎ Jul 28 2020
I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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︎ May 03 2020
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.
Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Babyβs mum said βgotta be careful, itβs got salt in itβ,
To my amazement I said β they contain salt!β
To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictiveβ
With out thinking i splutedβ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!
No one laughed but me.
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︎ Jun 27 2020
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
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︎ Sep 08 2018
What did the Australian chess player say after he finished his meal?
"Can I have the check, mate?"
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︎ Jul 22 2020
My dog mated with a bird the other month, so I have some puppies for sale
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︎ Feb 26 2019
My mate has invented a new hobby, 'blindfolded plane watching'...
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︎ Mar 13 2019
My mate secretly booked a cruise for me in the world's longest river.
I'm completely in the Nile.
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︎ Jul 30 2019
My mate's had a bust of his likeness made,
I told him he shouldn't get a head of himself.
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︎ Jun 29 2019
I got a mate who loves sitting outside Windows...
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︎ Jul 24 2019
Which one of your mates is the best at chess?
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︎ Oct 05 2016
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
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︎ Nov 16 2018
My mate David has his ID stolen
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︎ Jan 09 2020
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