Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.

New guy: That sounds like bullshit.

Farmer: Yes, exactly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....

It's a fuckin rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumbbookknurd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I did my first comedy gig in a fertility clinic.

I got a standing ovulation.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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A coworker of mine told me that eating fertilizer cured him of COVID-19

but i bet he was just full of crap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/palm_top
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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What did the city man think to the farmer preparing fertilize?

What a load of crap!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonBilal074
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

First, a tractor.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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A chemist plants a seed

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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What did the Postman say to the Fertility Doctor?

I’m having problems with my male delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What did a fertilized egg cell say before leaving?

Zygote go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaze_no_saga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.

It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEpicGamerMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I'm going to market a new organic fertilizer made from 100% male chicken manure. It will be sold as

Cockadoodle-do-do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.

The plot thickens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

Egg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisRockley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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There’s no way cow manure works as fertilizer

That’s just bullshit man

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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What fatal mistake did the blade of grass make after being fertilized?

It shouted, β€œI want mower!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Did you guys know that if a woman's egg isn't fertilized, she'll eject it during her next menstrual cycle?

Sounds like an ovary action to me...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killyoursins
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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What is the difference between an fertile & infertile man?

There's no vas deferens, really..

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tj_xraybanvision
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Everyone says I excel at my job fertilizing fields.

I don't know what they're talking about, all I do is spreadsheet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nilpferd777
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
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I just watched the montage in 'The Martian' where he is fertilizing the potatoes

It was a pretty shit montage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBoyMuguff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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A farmer goes into a bar

A farmer goes into a bar and says "please help I just ran out of fertilizer" a man then yells at him "why should I give a shit"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conor5434
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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[OC] A chief named Battle is scouting for fertile land with his son Attle

After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"

"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"

Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.

He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".

Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"

Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baselganglia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't know much about starting a family

But there's a vas deferens between fertility and infertility

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.

I mean... it's conceivable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivey090
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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Today I found out that someone has been adding fertilizer to my front lawn.

The plot thickens...

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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What do you call a tornado moving over a freshly fertilized farm field?

A shitstorm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RGBKey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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I work at a grain elevator and fertilizer plant, dad joked my wife.

Wife: How's the market today?

Me: Grain is up in rows, livestock is outstanding in the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Got a big garden now
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayceelee7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How would you like your eggs to be done?

Fertilized

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomeekh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

πŸ‘︎ 915
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πŸ‘€︎ u/369damnurfine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Keep it in the family

A woman was struggling to conceive her second child, and asks her sister what to do. The sister explains how she had her son after going to an in vitro fertilization clinic, so they decide to go together. The doctor decides the woman's eggs may be the problem, so she is implanted with some of her and her husband's own embryos, but also with a few from her sister's visit.

The woman gets pregnant, and nine months later delivers what appeared to be a set of conjoined twins. But they turned out to be second cousins once removed.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
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While at Breakfast With my Wife

The waitress came to take our order, starting with my heavily pregnant wife. When the waitress asked how my wife would like her eggs, I quickly replied: Fertilized!

Waitress laughed her head off, wife gave disapproving look.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quackerzzzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad joke of the day at work

So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.

My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."

Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."

Room was filled with laughter and groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fustercluck9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked the nurse during the ultrasound this morning

My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN.

Nurse: Both heartbeats are a healthy 144.

Me: Gross.

Nurse: What?.... Oh. (nervous laugh)

Wife: (facepalm)

Me: (ear-to-ear grin)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terminalmage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
🚨︎ report
A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we are known for our speed!" gloated the one sperm.

"Nein! It vill be I! I hail from the right testicle - known for its efficiency!" yelled the other.

"Well we lefties are known for our cunning, I will definitely out maneuver you!"

"The right vill be VICTORIOUS!" "Nein! the left vill be TRIUMPHANT!!!" "LEFT!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT!!!!!" "RIIIIGGGHHHTT!!!"

Finally fed up from the constant bickering, a sperm from the front of the load yells

"OH VAS DEFERENS DOES IT MAKE?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EwThatsABoysName
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Telling my dad about a good deal I saw at Costco

Me: "Dad, there's a really good deal on fertilizer at Costco. You should go check it out, it's super cheap."

Dad: "would you say it's dirt cheap?"

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sittininthemitten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
🚨︎ report

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