"You are now relieved of duty!"
It was called He-Brew.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
He sure loved his Cosmos.
They have bye weeks.
So he called me
"W/omanly"
Mom - I wouldn’t. Man puns are lame.
Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
Because he couldn't see that well
Yeah he's all right now
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
He's currently in the ICU.
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
And then a table... And then a chair...
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
"This is going to revolutionize tables forever!"
is killing a friend homiecide
The kids were nothing to look at.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
How do you breathe through that little thing?
I gave him a glass of water.
"Do you sell flop flops?"
He’s been working tirelessly to get them back
We'll see about that...
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
The psychiatrist says,"I can clearly see your nuts."
"That's slander, man."
It was a small price toupee.
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
Gay. Very gay
Almost 40 and growing my beard out for the first time. Wife finally says "You know I'm starting to like it." And I could finally say "Yeah. It's growing on me."
well, he didn't let that opportunity go to waste
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
I know he means well.
...so to stall, he asked the doctor if he preferred to start with the left testicle or the right, to which the doctor replied, I don’t think there’s a vas deferens.
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
It cost him an arm and a leg...
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
Matt
People must be stuck in it
He’s listed in serious but stable condition.
