A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
A friend of mine just said to me βIβm training to be garbage manβ
I said βYou donβt need training for that! You just pick it up as you go alongβ
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︎ Dec 31 2020
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I'm really into the first row of a csv.
You could call me a header-row sexual
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Hereβs a little early access to a pun I made. Iβm not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Iβm reading a book on the history of glue....
I canβt seem to put it down.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...
It's only a draft at the moment.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Wife: Iβm trying to cut a piece of wood, but it wonβt stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my companyβs logo on it.
Wife: I donβt need your advise!
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I'm struggling to secure a ps5 for my son.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Me: I'm going to get a haircut
Dad: You'd better get them all cut or else it'll look uneven
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Now that Iβm officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say βI bet he donβt have the guts to do that againβ
Edit: holy shit yβall this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Me: Iβm going to take a shower
Dad: Donβt take it too far
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I'm 15 but I have the body of a 6 year old.
No seriously, he's in the freezer.
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Iβm making a movie called constipation
I canβt wait till it comes out
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︎ Nov 30 2020
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
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︎ Jul 30 2020
If Iβm a millionth of myself what am I?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Ornithologist: Well, Iβm an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist: Whoβs there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, thatβs the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I'm a very nutty boy
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I always wanted my sister to have a son that I could pass on my wisdom to, but I'm so happy she had her little girl, Denise.
Because a kid named Denephew would probably get picked on a lot.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
I'm going to be a bartender
Guys named Bart, watch out.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
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︎ Nov 17 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing itβ¦
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I asked a girl for her hand. She thinks I'm nuts.
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. Iβm pretty bummed.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Look! I'm a water Bender!
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...
Who wants to beat a million bears.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane
We're currently filming the pilot
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My Halloween costume - Iβm a Buccaneer (buck an ear)
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Iβm a server and hereβs a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but Iβll wrestle you for it.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Iβm a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing
Itβs hard trying to be the bigger person!
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I'm starting a combination of a Frozen Yogurt shop and a news stand.
It will be called FroYo Information.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague
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︎ Jan 01 2021
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