My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโt stop singing โIโm a Believerโ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโฆ.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm getting hungry
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iโm a man, everybody I know says Iโm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iโm a 4-person family
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Iโm about to share a joke thatโll turn r/dadjokes upside down
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︎ Mar 24 2021
This bloke said to me: โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.โ
I said: โIs that a fret?'
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iโm flushed
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm sorry for this
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Idk I'm too single to understand
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I'm older that all those falcons...
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Her: Iโm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
๐︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other โIโm so hungry, I could eat a horseโ
The other replies โmoooโ
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︎ Mar 20 2021
And Iโm sure he felt the burn too!
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Iโm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
This one is bad. Iโm so sorry.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Iโm sure heโs thrilled
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I'm selling some racing geese
If you want to have a quick gander
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm not sure I am that hungry
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Dad joke but.. I'm a mother..
What Job did Beethoven get after he died?
He decomposed.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm no fan of Indian food
To me, it's a naan starter....
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I canโt believe Iโm being evicted for telling a joke about a llama
I guess alpaca my bags and leave
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
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︎ Mar 08 2021
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
๐︎ 250
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Iโm voting for the Rock for president..
๐︎ 7
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
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︎ Dec 21 2020
People say Iโm a plagiarist.
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︎ Mar 30 2021
BF: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: IโM SORRY]
GF: What's that?
BF: Remorse code.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I'm reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
๐︎ 178
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I'm sorry I'm bad at making puns
๐︎ 30
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︎ Mar 27 2021
My boss just told me that Iโm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Iโm putting our vacuum cleaner up for sale
Itโs just collecting dust.
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︎ Apr 10 2021
Iโve recently discovered Iโm terrified of elevators, so Iโm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iโm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! ๐คฉ
๐︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
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︎ Mar 26 2021
I'm quite glad I'm not an egg
I do tend to crack myself up
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Iโm so excited itโs spring time
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I'm starting my new job as a human chess piece.
The money is great. I'm on knights next week.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm bald but I still carry around my comb...
I just can't part with it.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why Iโm not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
โYou just havenโt been cutting it lately.โ
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!โ I shot back...
๐︎ 113
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf
The news was very hard to hear
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︎ Feb 24 2021
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