Lunch Break Puns

He was resisting a rest.

It was very civil engineering…

Having to deal with little caesars

haha genius dude

Grandpa: Just found out that a chicken has more feathers on one side. Lady: Oh yeah? G: Do you know which side? L: Which? G: ... The outside!

(overheard so I had to stifle my groan/chuckle)

I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.

"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"

"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"

"The funeral home."

"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."

groan

Don't to get too dizzy!

We went to a cafe for lunch and dad ordered the "1950's Reuben".

After a bite, "MMM! That's really good! ...must be a great refrigerator, too, with a sandwich from the '50's."

While at lunch with my father yesterday...

Me: I think I'm gonna get the steak tartare burger.

Dad: Sounds rough

Me: What do you mean, pop?

Dad: Well, I have a pretty strong stomach, but at this age, digesting raw meat is a whole different animal.

Thanks, dad.

Me: "Something is wrong with this pork, it's foul."

My mom: "Don't be silly, only birds are fowl."

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

All morning he was tying them together with a piece of string and then wrapping them around his midsection. At noon I figured he could use a break, so I invited him out for lunch, but he said, "No, thanks, I'm watching my waistline."

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

Everyone was sent to the lunch room until the production area was clear of smoke. I told a colleague on the way out that today everyone gets a smoke break!

I'm coming back from my lunch break and get out of my car to see my friend walking out of the building and he yells to me...

"you're lookin a little out of your element"

My Dad and I were at lunch break one day when another employee starts to talk about the recent hockey game he went to. And my dad says: "You went to a boxing match, and a hockey game broke out?"

I was mentioning some minor issues with my car as he's coming back in from his lunch break. I told him I needed to have it looked at sometime soon. He said "I just saw it, looks fine."

I'm back home for winter break, Dad asks if I want Philly cheese steaks for lunch. "I don't really feel like cheese steaks," to which he responds to by squeezing my leg and saying, "your right".

Ten tickles.

Courtesy of my boss - he called his daughter during lunch break to tell her. So proud of himself.