Two letters fell in love, but their parents wouldn't approve of their marriage.

The solution: EnvELOPE.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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My cat loves postscripts in letters for some reason....

PS

Ps

pspspsps

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Castor_Deus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2022
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I sent a love letter to my girlfriend, but she said the format is not romantic

So I re-typed the letter with Times New Romance

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vietlinh12hoa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
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My buddy sent me a letter professing his love for feet.

I was disappointed that he was not on board like me with the metric system. I thought my reply would surely convince him to see my side of it so I sent a meter.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BryansBigHole
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
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The Farmer's Love Letter

My sweet potato Do u carrot all for me?

You are the apple of my eye, with radish hair and turnip nose.

My heart beets for you, my love for you is as strong as onions.

If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry and we will be a happy pear.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2022
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What's the longest word in the English language?

>!Smiles 😁 (The first and last letters are a mile apart.)!<

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jokeaday99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
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What letter do pirates love the most?

Most folks think it’s Arrrrrrrrr, but it’s the C they love.

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Some top Tom Swifties
  • "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
  • "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
  • "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
  • "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
  • "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
  • "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
  • "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
  • "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
  • "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
  • "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
  • "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
  • "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
  • "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
  • "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
  • "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
  • "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
  • "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
  • "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
  • "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
  • "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
  • "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
  • "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
  • "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
  • "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
  • "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
  • "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
  • "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
  • "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
  • "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
  • "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
  • "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
  • "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
  • "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
  • "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
  • "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
  • "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
  • "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
  • "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
  • "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
  • "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
  • "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
  • "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
  • "I hate pale ale," sai
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
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When u decide to write a Love letter πŸ’Œ
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaSuperior
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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What's a pirates favourite letter?

(pause for everyone saying aRrrrrrr)

No, it be the C

πŸ‘︎ 425
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remote-Band-3757
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2022
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A, B,

A, B, πŸ’Ώ, E, F, G..

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/livelifereal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2021
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Love Letter
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pununciation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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What did the stamp say to the letter?

Stick with me and you'll go places.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lewtus72
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2021
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a love letter a tennis player wrote me
πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/queengemini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2016
🚨︎ report
A letter to my pasta-loving roommate, Tortel-lanie
πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittenteeth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
🚨︎ report
What is a 3 letter word for playful, loyal, and unconditional love?

Dog

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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Genie: What is your final wish?

Me: I wish I were you.

Genie: Weurd, but alrught.

πŸ‘︎ 709
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salty818
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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Why is the letter A like a flower?

Because a β€œb” comes after it!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Which letter loves showjumping?

H

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Old Gold
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Aitch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwissCheeto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Saviour.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Make an entire Q of these.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackBleedingGray
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My 6 yo asks: β€œWhat’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”

I think to myself β€˜Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, β€œR!”

Smirking, my 6 yo replies, β€œAye, you’d think so, but it β€˜tis the C!”

Proud moment right there folks!

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketrhinoceros
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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How Did Shaquille O’Neal Inspire The B-52’s?

When he wrote them a fan letter and ended it with β€œLove, Shaq”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Just tricked my family with this one

Just to liven up a boring car journey

>Me: What's a pirates favourite letter?

>Aunt and Dad: [Rolls eyes] Rrrrr!

>Me: Ah you'd think so, but their true love be for the C.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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Why is the word "you" rude

It's vowel language

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gandi_Olfston
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Wedding Puns

The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left


Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!


To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.


When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.


Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.


When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.


Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe


To many girls think the word β€˜marriage’ has a nice ring to it.


Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!


Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.


Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.


When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.


The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, β€˜Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, β€˜Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, β€˜You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, β€˜Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


A man inserted an β€˜ad’ in the classifieds: β€˜Wife wanted’.Β  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: β€˜You can have mine.’


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?Β About 30 pounds.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.Β  Second marriage is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What’s a pirates favorite letter

You would think that it’s R, but his first love will always be the C

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JM-Gaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I love snails so I painted the letter S all over my car

Now whenever I'm out driving, people point to my car and say: "Look at that S car go."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

While many believe that a pirate’s favorite letter is ”R”, His first love be the β€œC”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesedic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
🚨︎ report
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grantnel2002
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2021
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I asked my SO if she knew my favorite letter. She said "No, what is it?" I said "It's u." She responded "aww I love youuuuuuuu" To which I replied...

"I love u too. It's my favorite letter."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckiDucki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do pirates love the letter p so much?

Without it they'd be irate

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bionicbob321
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_soul1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters
πŸ‘︎ 266
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicdane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the 'P' out of him…

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
🚨︎ report
People of Dad Jokes, I need your help.

My wife is having a minor surgery tomorrow that will require her to wear an eye patch for a week. I need enough eye, patch, and pirate related puns to last me a week and eye've only got enough for two days tops. Can you help me?

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sylvanusz5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Pirate joke

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

(most will respond "rrrrrr") to which you would answer:

You would think so, but their first love is actually the C. (sea)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshgivens
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a Pirates Favorite ....

Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime?

Me: uh ... ?

Dad: ARRRRson! What's a Pirates favorite type of socks?

Me: I don't know dad.

Dad: ARRRRgyle! What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military?

Me: rolling eyes it's the ARRRRmy.

Dad: acting confused No, it's the Navy. Why on earth would they like the army better?

Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response.

πŸ‘︎ 584
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrossCheckPanda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report

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