I love snails so I painted the letter S all over my car

Now whenever I'm out driving, people point to my car and say: "Look at that S car go."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When u decide to write a Love letter πŸ’Œ
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaSuperior
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my SO if she knew my favorite letter. She said "No, what is it?" I said "It's u." She responded "aww I love youuuuuuuu" To which I replied...

"I love u too. It's my favorite letter."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckiDucki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Love Letter
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pununciation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do pirates love the letter p so much?

Without it they'd be irate

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bionicbob321
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a 3 letter word for playful, loyal, and unconditional love?

Dog

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Two letters fell in love, but their parents wouldn't approve of their marriage.

The solution: EnvELOPE.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
a love letter a tennis player wrote me
πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/queengemini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Which letter loves showjumping?

H

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_soul1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SwissCheeto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Which animal has the biggest breasts

A zebra

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeke_Smith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Gold
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Aitch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again

πŸ‘︎ 23k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/User1N23456
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Saviour.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A letter to my pasta-loving roommate, Tortel-lanie
πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kittenteeth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Make an entire Q of these.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackBleedingGray
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My 6 yo asks: β€œWhat’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”

I think to myself β€˜Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, β€œR!”

Smirking, my 6 yo replies, β€œAye, you’d think so, but it β€˜tis the C!”

Proud moment right there folks!

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketrhinoceros
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Bad collection of puns

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

  1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
  2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
  3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
  4. lettuce taco bout it?
  5. I will asalt you with puns!
  6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
  7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
  8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
  9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
  10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
  11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
  12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
  13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
  14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters
πŸ‘︎ 262
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicdane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the 'P' out of him…

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Just tricked my family with this one

Just to liven up a boring car journey

>Me: What's a pirates favourite letter?

>Aunt and Dad: [Rolls eyes] Rrrrr!

>Me: Ah you'd think so, but their true love be for the C.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a Pirates Favorite ....

Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime?

Me: uh ... ?

Dad: ARRRRson! What's a Pirates favorite type of socks?

Me: I don't know dad.

Dad: ARRRRgyle! What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military?

Me: rolling eyes it's the ARRRRmy.

Dad: acting confused No, it's the Navy. Why on earth would they like the army better?

Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response.

πŸ‘︎ 577
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrossCheckPanda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report
[Serious] Thank you /r/dadjokes community!

Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.

My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.

I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.

So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!

My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Mom , dad joked me.

Me: whats a pirates' favorite letter? Mom: is it arrr? Me: Aye you'd think it'd be arr. but a pirates true love is for the C! Mom: whats a pirate favorite crime? me: is it arrrson? Mom: ayye you'd think it'd be arrrson but it's piracy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkwraith38
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2015
🚨︎ report
In Honor of "Talk Like A Pirate Day"

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You would think it would be ARRR, but a pirate's true love, is the sea

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedoc617
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while playing with the baby

My 2 year old son has these giant foam letters and numbers that he loves to play with. The other day he was running around with the number 4 and handed it to me with a smile. I then hung it over my ear and asked him:

What's an ear four?

My wife began to laugh, caught herself and shook her head.

I just hope my material stays this fresh when he can really understand what I'm saying.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Thank you, autocorrect!

GF's text autocorrected to: "I'm so glad we're dining this together, I would be a mess without you."

Me: "Are those lyrics from the hit song 'Love letter to a napkin'?".

I could feel her eye roll and groan from 5 hours away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abunchofatoms
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked at work yesterday by a customer

I was wearing earrings with deers on them yesterday and a customer walked up and said,

"I love your earrings, deer."

I shot right back "Thanks I'm rather fawned of them!"

Edit: Switched some letters.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mmnmm000
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
🚨︎ report
People of Dad Jokes, I need your help.

My wife is having a minor surgery tomorrow that will require her to wear an eye patch for a week. I need enough eye, patch, and pirate related puns to last me a week and eye've only got enough for two days tops. Can you help me?

πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sylvanusz5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is the word "you" rude

It's vowel language

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gandi_Olfston
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
🚨︎ report
I fell right into his trap

Dad: what's a pirate's favorite letter?

me: is it RRRRR?

Dad: You'd think it be RRRRR but what us pirates love most is the C

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockledgeskater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.