Yknow what lotion I use when I masturbate?

Jerkins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummerDearest
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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How does a democrat apply lotion?

By applying a liberal amount.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLonelyKerbal
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:

Apply daily.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laymans_Terms19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What brand of lotion would someone born with diphallia use?

Johnson & Johnson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I do not like lotion at all.

It really gets under my skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spiffypack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks 'A gift for your daughter?'

I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'

She thought that was pretty funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocatsonmelmac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Cake by the... Lotion...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissGrafin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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Why do volcanoes need lotion?

So they dont get ashy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaunthebald
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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Dad spilled lotion on his laptop and powercable.

"Hey son, do you think it will run smoother now?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FiercelyFuzzy206
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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The best way to get a job in the lotion industry

Is to apply daily

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flubba_T_Waffle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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So we bought my sister some bath lotions

Cashier: "Will this be all for you?"

Dad: "No, this is a gift for my daughter"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scubamane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...

It was a scentless act of cruelty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l3mm1ng5
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
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I was going to post a joke about lotion

But I think it might be too topical

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sasquatchent
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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I guess you could say the most popular hand lotion for farmers...

is really the cream of the crop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Want some lotion?

I actually pulled this one off two days ago in history (not even a dad):

Girl next to me: I can't even talk talk to you, just crack me up

Me: Well I can get you some lotion.

It took her a full 2 seconds to get it and started laughing so much, and to boost my ego even more the teacher had heard it and started laughing too, and that's how I got my 5 seconds of fame. I know, not the best but I just wanted to share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/muffinscat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2015
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I had spilled lotion on some coins and was rinsing them off...

Roommate: what are you doing?

Me: money laundering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elyezabeth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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Lotions.

My girlfriend was trying some lotion out and apparently it's all nice and smooth and organic and erotic.

"Honey, it's like it's not even lotion!"

"Wow, you're right. It must be odd lotion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toke81
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
🚨︎ report
So I decided to get a tan..

Son: So dad, shall I order you a suntan lotion?

Me: No son, get the dad tan lotion.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Dad jokes in real life.

Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. β€œBut doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.

β€œYes,” I said. β€œIt’s a perpetual lotion machine.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jofish22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Variations on Cake by the Ocean

Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion

Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion

Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)

Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)

Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient

Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion

Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion

Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion

Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the guy that died?

Told my wife this one his morning. She was not amused....

Me: Did you hear about the guy that died at Proctor and Gamble?

Her: No, what happened?

Me: Yeah he was at the lotion storage tanks I guess and he fell in and drowned because they couldn’t get him out.

Her: That sounds awful, what a terrible way to die.

Me: Yeah I guess what they say is true about this all.

Her: What?

Me: A body in lotion tends to stay in lotion

Her: ................. I’m serving you papers after that.......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleepytiger82
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Happened yesterday at Macy's

My dad and I were looking for perfume or lotion for my sister. A woman comes up to ask us for help and she does help us. When she is checking us out in line, my dad finally says to her "You know, in all my years I've never met a girl with the name Vendor before."

It said vendor on her name tag instead of her name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanSpears
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Just got done with a four hour weapons drill in the sun

Senior Chief: I forgot to put on sun lotion, I look like a raddish.

Me: Then, after all that yelling, are you a hoarse raddish?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosemourne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Was also dad joked by my mom.

I was talking to my mom about absinthe scented lotion and I asked her, "Do you know what absinthe is?" And she replied with "When you miss a day of school." It was perfect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moosetracks01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
🚨︎ report

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