Jerkins
By applying a liberal amount.
Apply daily.
Johnson & Johnson.
It really gets under my skin.
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'
She thought that was pretty funny.
So they dont get ashy.
"Hey son, do you think it will run smoother now?"
Is to apply daily
Cashier: "Will this be all for you?"
Dad: "No, this is a gift for my daughter"
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
But I think it might be too topical
is really the cream of the crop.
I actually pulled this one off two days ago in history (not even a dad):
Girl next to me: I can't even talk talk to you, just crack me up
Me: Well I can get you some lotion.
It took her a full 2 seconds to get it and started laughing so much, and to boost my ego even more the teacher had heard it and started laughing too, and that's how I got my 5 seconds of fame. I know, not the best but I just wanted to share
Roommate: what are you doing?
Me: money laundering.
My girlfriend was trying some lotion out and apparently it's all nice and smooth and organic and erotic.
"Honey, it's like it's not even lotion!"
"Wow, you're right. It must be odd lotion."
Son: So dad, shall I order you a suntan lotion?
Me: No son, get the dad tan lotion.
Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. βBut doesnβt it rub off on the pajamas?β asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.
βYes,β I said. βItβs a perpetual lotion machine.β
Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion
Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion
Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)
Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)
Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient
Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion
Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion
Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion
Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion
Told my wife this one his morning. She was not amused....
Me: Did you hear about the guy that died at Proctor and Gamble?
Her: No, what happened?
Me: Yeah he was at the lotion storage tanks I guess and he fell in and drowned because they couldnβt get him out.
Her: That sounds awful, what a terrible way to die.
Me: Yeah I guess what they say is true about this all.
Her: What?
Me: A body in lotion tends to stay in lotion
Her: ................. Iβm serving you papers after that.......
The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.
I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.
I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.
Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.
Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.
Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.
I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.
The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.
The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.
The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.
The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.
The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.
The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.
Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.
The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.
Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, βDo you want a liftβ. βNo thanksβ, they replied, βWeβre Walkersβ.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said βthatβs maderia cakeβ.
Bought some cream, it said βstore in a cool placeβ. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says βI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherβ. The doctor says βIβm afraid you are a trifle deafβ.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisiteβ¦ βwhat a pity it isnβt illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamβs banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itβs too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itβs been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyβs death? BEN and JERRY.
Donβt eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonβt be able to budge.
You know youβre a mom ifβ¦ Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say βOLE!β
FORGET LOVEβ¦ Iβ
... keep reading on reddit β‘My dad and I were looking for perfume or lotion for my sister. A woman comes up to ask us for help and she does help us. When she is checking us out in line, my dad finally says to her "You know, in all my years I've never met a girl with the name Vendor before."
It said vendor on her name tag instead of her name.
Senior Chief: I forgot to put on sun lotion, I look like a raddish.
Me: Then, after all that yelling, are you a hoarse raddish?
I was talking to my mom about absinthe scented lotion and I asked her, "Do you know what absinthe is?" And she replied with "When you miss a day of school." It was perfect.
