But no one would do it
'Thanks to ewe...'
because he lives there.
Wow! Those are some fine lookin’ threads, brotha!
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
and says, "I don't want no trouble, I'm jus' lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
Lookin sharp
It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."
A little too proud of this one...
So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.
I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
“Is your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
Wife: Funny lookin' 🤕
She expects my jokes
Would he be lookin’ for a Mexican man?
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
And places a bandaged limb on the bar. He announces, "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"
.. The bar is dimly lit, and he sees no one in sight. Then he hears a voice: "Hey good lookin'" Just then, the bartender comes around the corner, "Hello, sir. How are you today?" "I'm doing great, but I swear I just heard a voice..?" "Oh, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."
As we order our ice cream, my parents, girlfriend and I.
Gf to dad: French vanilla huh? Fancy
Dad: Oui. Groans heard around the store
Dad: Ha! I'm funny
Mom: yeah, funny lookin'
Hey Baby. I'm a-lookin' and I'm a Lycan.
"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?" "Idk dad, why?" "He was lookin for a tight seal."
Dad: I can't wait till tomorrow!
Me (or anyone else willing to ask for that matter): Oh ya, why, what's tomorrow??
Dad: Nothing, I just get better lookin' every day!
I'm coming back from my lunch break and get out of my car to see my friend walking out of the building and he yells to me...
"you're lookin a little out of your element"
It's tradition to watch A Christmas Story at least like nine times on Christmas in my family. There's a part where Ralphie stares into the camera and smiles after getting away with lying to his mother. Trying to be funny, I said "What the hell's he lookin at!?"
My sister answers with "The camera! It's like in The Office."
Me: "You know, I could never get into The Office."
Dad: "You should find the key, then."
Merry dadmas!
" 'Cause I get better lookin' everyday!" Hahah I love him.
A mushroom walking into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind around here." And the mushroom says, "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."
A three legged dog walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Can I get you something?" and the dog says, "No, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind around here." So the string walks outside twists himself into a loop, messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender spots him and says, "Hey! Arn't you the piece of string that just walked in here?" And the string looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Brother: I don't know what I want to get... Dad, what are you lookin' at?
Dad: The menu.
There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"
"No." said the owner.
"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."
"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."
That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.
So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"
The bird says, "You know."
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
He says: “I’m lookin for the guy who shot my paw”
He was "lookin' for the man who shot his paw."
Me: ha that was pretty funny.
Dad: you're pretty funny.
Me: :)
Dad: funny lookin'!
Me: :/
And says, "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw."
I'm lookin for the fella who shot my paw.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"
"I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
