A man knocked on my door the day asking for a donation for the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
My local bakery has plans to start making deliveries with drones.
Sounds a bit pie in the sky to me.
the local vietnamese restaurant thought i was abusing their all you can eat promotion
Next thing i knew, they decided to banh mi for life :(
The local hardware store was robbed of all its toilets late last night
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I'm thinking about volunteering to start up a book club at my local prison but I'm not sure...
My local auto shop just came out with an awesome new deal:
Free tire rotations every time you drive.
When I was a kid, there was an Amish family that built DnD themed housing for the locals.
I've been spending most my life living in an Amish pair o' dice.
there's been a report all the toilets have been stolen from my local police station.
The police have nothing to go on.
A local coffee shop always puts puns on people's orders
Vandals cut down trees at local park
I was with the family and some friends at the local Japanese steakhouse and the server asked “Does anyone have any allergies?”
I looked at him with a straight face and said “Pollen”.
The air went outta the room and my wife looked at me like she wanted to kill me. My daughter and son groaned. All our friends just looked at the server like “we’re sorry”. The server looked at me with a grin like “just wait til you find out what I put in your food”.
Arigatou!
Whenever I take my dog to the local pond, the ducks start attacking him.
I didn’t know buying a pure-bread dog would have this many consequences.
I bought some sneakers from the local drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Why do melons only get married locally?
So I believe in helping dogs get a new home rather than getting a puppy... so, I bought a dog from our local blacksmith!
Turned out to be a good deal too! When we came home he made a bolt for the door.
my dad came home sad and told me he lost his job at the local pool as a lifeguard. I asked why?
He said the little blue kid got me fired.
I was on a cruise once when we docked in this strange town named after part of a guy's foot, and all the locals kept using words like brunch, spork, and labradoodle.
I think it was called Port Mantoe.
Every Saturday I promote my dentistry business in the local paper.
I'm a seventh day ad dentist.
A blonde calls her local fire station
"Help my house is on fire," she yells.
"Where do you live?" the fire chief asks.
"I don't know," she answers.
The fire chief says "so how do you expect us to get there?"
The blonde sarcastically replies "duh, the big red truck!"
Busted into the local soda factory.
Yelled out, "Take me to your liter!"
I'm trying to make a reservation to an event in my local library
Unfortunately they're completely booked.
My uncle retired from his truck driving gig and took a part-time job driving a local school bus
Please join me in congratulating him on his semi-retirement.
James Bond thought he would be able to color-stain his clothes using herbs in order to blend in with the local natives.
But he had no thyme to dye.
I work at my local newsaper as a proofeader
And I just got awared emloyee of the mouth!
Was filling out a form at a local gym and saw this girl checking herself out next to the front desk & thought it was the perfect opportunity..
Walked behind her and said "wow, nice form" she started blushing then rolled her eyes when she saw me handing the guy at the front desk the form I was referring to 😆.
In Australia a computer Local Area Network is called
What do you call the cheap special at the local pub?
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…
Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.
I invited a local band to play in my cornfield.
We organized the local athletes to play a friendly game with the local inmates
There were a lot of pros and cons
I once defeated our local chess champion in less than three moves.
My karate lessons finally paid off.
Went into my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles.
" Hard back"? Asked the worker" yes " I replied " with little heads "
Found in my local coffee shop
My local spice farmer does viral advertising by posting his phone number on bathroom walls and so forth
It says, "For a good thyme call 867-5300"
Need a name for our jigsaw puzzle team.
4 of us entered a local puzzle competition and we won so now we need a name. Help!
Edit: Thanks everyone! We went with Puzz Lightyear, but so many of these are great!
Someone just set fire to our local Chinese restaurant
It was an act of wonton destruction.
I went into my local music store and asked if they had anything by the Doors...
...the guy said "Yeah, a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher."
My local Vietnamese take-out place is angry with me
They say if I make anymore bad puns they're going to Banh Mi..
When they legalized marijuana in my state, a local bakery tried taking advantage of it by offering infused pastries. But they had trouble keeping the place staffed.
They had pretty high turnover...
DADS I NEED HELP
I work for a brewery and we just made a rasberry blonde ale. We try to come up with punny names for each but I can't get one that sticks. Please help!!
If we get one good enough you could see the beer you named at you're local bar or market!
Edit: Talked to the work crew tonight. The top ones from this post were, blonde, James blonde, Razzy nights, redhead redemption, rasbeery, and All that Razz. There were tons of great ones, the names I mentioned seemed to get the most attention. If you guys wanna see what wins or help vote for the winner follow UNPLUGGED brewery on facebook, there should be a poll soon.
Thank you all for the help!!
Update!! The winner of the name poll is: ALL THAT RAZZ. Keep an eye out at your local stores or bars
Did you know that no one living in this town is allowed to be buried in the local cemetery?
You have to be dead to be buried there.
I grabbed me some marzipan pastries from the local bakery...
Food always tastes better when it's Stollen!
I was invited to do standup dad jokes at the local school for deaf students.
Luckily I know sigh language.
What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
How should I know? I just fly the drones.
There's a woman at the local park with a kiosk, selling batteries.
She sells c-cells by the see-saw.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
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