Lensing Puns

That was the solution!

Goodbye 20/20.

Doyouthinkhesaurus.

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.

My dreams have never been clearer.

At least in my eyes

He fell into the vat of molten optical glass and made a spectacle of himself.

More importantly, did you hear about the guy who got his hand caught in one?

It really made quite the spectacle.

Do you suppose that he's seeing shit more clearly now?

Doesn't he know he's robin us blind?

If only there was a solution.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

I was stoked

and optimists see glasses as half full.

I saw right through my problems.

"Is that where the criminal light goes?" - me "uhgggg" - gf

My girlfriend was talking about her contact lenses, she's been having a bit of a problem with them..

Girlf: "One of them is never right"

Me: "That'd be the left one"

Needless to say there was a lot of sighing from her end whilst I glow basked in the moment

If you want to sterilize

"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"

...the very, very first faux toe ;)

Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects

My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -

It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."

Contract lenses.

Friend: I've been offered a free trial of contact lenses.

Dad: I prefer glasses. Contact lenses can't hold as much beer.

Because they don't believe in Progressive lenses.

I wanted to get him contact lenses but they carry a high risk of cat-aracts.

While in basketball during 7th grade, one of my teammates lost one of his contact lenses while going for a layup. Without missing a beat, 7th grade me says, "Wow, I guess this really is a contact sport!" My dad was so proud when I told him about it later.

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

So my daughter was playing tennis last week when she got hit by an errant ball knocking her glasses off. When her glasses hit the ground both lenses popped out. She brought them home and we fixed them.

Next day she said one of the lenses wasn't seated right. No problem. I told her to pop the lenses out and reseat them.

Her response, "I don't know how to get the lenses out."

My comment, "Hit them with a tennis ball. That seems to work well."

Silence. . . Well, just me chuckling to myself, but otherwise silence. . .

We were at Visionworks yesterday getting my glasses prescription updated, and I was talking to the saleswoman about glasses care.

"Should I buy one those little frame screwdriver kits? In case my lenses fall out or the frame busts?"

"Well, Laff_Like_Peter, I think that's a bad idea. Those kits are flimsy, and the screw heads break off all the time. Getting your frames adjusted is free if the come in, I wouldn't feel right selling you those useless kits. Come on in if your frames have an accident, I'll give you a good screw".

My Dad, who was sitting quietly next to me, pipes up "Better be careful with what you say". The saleswoman was mortified.

Watching a Football/Soccer game with England playing.

The camera pans to a close up of a girl wearing sunglasses with the England flag for lenses.

(England flag: http://imgur.com/mcK3A0v)

Dad: "She's a bit cross eyed. Such a shame."

I stare at him briefly for 2 seconds, then back at the screen.