My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.

He just couldn't cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn?

Time to baguette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplatCactus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My dad comes in from mowing the lawn

DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink

He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Had a lawn mowing run for a while but had to let it go...

...I just couldn’t cut it 🀨

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn

She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stibar
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I finished mowing the lawn just before the first guests arrived for our party.

I didn't realize I was cutting it close.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daytonatrbo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
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So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes.

My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. β€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. β€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.”

β€œWhy?” she asked.

β€œBecause that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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I just mowed the lawn.

Worked my grass off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpaqueYeti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Dad: Your Grandfather used to always mow the lawn

Son : Please don't Dad: Now hes Lawn gone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffrywatisun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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My dad told me he only mowed half the lawn. I asked which half. He answered:

The top.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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LPT: If you can, try to mow your front lawn on really windy days.

Cleanup is a breeze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SillyCyban
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.

I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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β€œSpecial Mowing Unit”
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jennim5588
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. β€œWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...

β€œWow!” I said. β€œWas it some big corporation?”

β€œNo.” He replied, β€œI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Priorities during a tornado

Multiple tornado warnings in south central Wisconsin where I live and my dad's first response is "We better not have a tornado. I just mowed the lawn, I don't want my house's debris all over it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattyJV
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Classic literature/landscaping pun?

A young man named James came to tend to the lawn at the beach house.

He was mowing in a circular fashioned around the yard and though he attempted to do the rest by hand, he didn’t fare very well.

I supposed you could call it a quasi-mowed O.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/occasionalist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Need help coming up with pun names for some services

I'm coming up with "punny names" for 3 different services. Yard work, Babysitting, and dogwalking. So far, all I have is "Patty O's lawn mowing service"

I need two of each. Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordberric
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2016
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budgeroo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Girlfriend just got me with this one

Me (talking about mowing the lawn): Alright I'm gonna tackle the lawn soon!

GF: I really don't think tackling it is going to cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cijip
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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Pot to kettle

Ya know that mouthwatering hunger you get when you smell the meat cooking on the BBQ. I wonder if vegetarians get the same feeling when they mow the lawn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprtoad80
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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The quiet lawnmower

My Dad got me with this one the other day. We were sitting on the back porch when I saw my neighbor out mowing his lawn.

Me: wow, that lawnmower is really quiet!

Dad: Yea, he hasn't said a thing this whole time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrondo157
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
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Not so much a joke as much as it is fatherly appreciation. Throwback from my teens
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toobroketobitch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2016
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Every time we see a truck hauling sod...

"Man, I wish I was that rich, where I could just send my lawn away to be mowed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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Dadjoked my sister the other day

I was out mowing the lawn the other day and I was getting close to running over a garden hose in the lawn. My sister came out, stopped me and said "watch out for the hose". To which I replied "Ya they'll take your money".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ricklethepickle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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So this just happened...

So this just happened...

Company owner: So, my buddy who is a pastor told me that the other day when he mowed his lawn he saw his gay neighbor standing outside jacking off into his (neighbor's) pool.

Me: That's ok, they're semen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightshadeOkla
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
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Hedge Trimming

This morning my father was trimming the hedge in the front yard as I mowed the lawns. He called me over, it sounded important.

Dad: "If I were to pay someone to practice hegemony* on this hedge, because I don't want to do it myself, where would they put the funds?" Me: "Hedge fund. Good one."

  • I don't think he actually knows what that word means.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sydonai
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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Every time we pass a semi on the highway carrying sod...

"Man, I wish I was that rich, that I could just send my lawn out to be mowed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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