I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy
I robbed a kitchen utensils shop last night...
To make it big, you gotta take some whisks.
I was up all of last night, trying to find my keys
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police aren’t helping because there isn’t enough concrete evidence.
I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night.
I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory.
He was the sole perpetrator.
Late last night Mr Peanut was walking home through a bad neighborhood
I have been informed he was a-salted.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,
Can't say I remember why though.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
I went to a restaurant last night and they had pelican on the menu.
I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.
Dad told me this one last night
Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says
“did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”
I called my wife 'Miss Universe' last night.
"Is it because I'm so beautiful?" she asked
"NO, It's because you're constantly expanding."
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night...
My housemate had a chicken Kiev for dinner last night.
I had to warn him that I had a chicken pro-Russian separatist in the freezer.
I couldn't find my pizza cutter last night, so I used an old Bryan Adams album.
Because it cuts like a knife.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
My wife was disappointed at my idea to put her shoes outside last night......
I thought I'd just put the Fila's out there
A famous local cauliflower died last night.
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
My neighbor spent all day laying sod in his front garden, then last night, someone stole it!
He’s outside now, looking forlorn…
I had a Viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat
I woke up with a stiff neck
There was a big fight at the campground last night.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What did the sword say to the shield after their fight last night?
I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night
If only you could see me now
Last night my wife says "Honey will you go get us some tortilla chips and cheese?"
I looked deep into her eyes and said
"I'm nacho delivery service. "
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I had a dream I was a muffler last night.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I dreamt I was a muffler last night.
Which explains why I woke up exhausted
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I had a strange dream last night that I was a muffler.
Dreamed I Was a Muffler Last Night
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