It was getting really hot in the journey, so I opened the window to let some air in.

I closed the window after a minute, and everyone disappeared from inside the space shuttle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pakistani_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Jon Snow journey to the timepiece store?

For the watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:

"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."

Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know in which language was the movie "Journey to the center of the Earth" released first??

Core-on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œYou don’t choose your journey; the journey chooses you” - Uber driver
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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My mom was telling a sweet story about how a herd of elephants we're keeping a deceased calf with them on their Journey

Without missing a beat my dad goes "Why didn't they just keep him in the trunk.

I'm still laughing like a drunken seal.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Self discovery...

I'm going on a self discovery journey, trying to find my way and reason... Destination How-why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poven100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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I was driving my German girlfriend around in my older banger, the heavy rain clattering against my windshield. As the journey went on, I realised that she has this really weird obsession with snakes.

She kept telling me that I need vipers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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I Introduced A Friend to the band "Journey"

I told her that this band would take her on a trip.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nihiley_face
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Merry and Pippin's journey wasn't all that easy...

...I heard they had a hard time making ents meet

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoon_of_doom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, β€œI discovered a large body of water on my journey.”

She said, β€œCould you be a little more pacific?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
The best dad jokes are unplanned

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

β€œWell, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, β€œDaddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? β€œNot much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drako1117
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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A restaurant opened in my town called Journey...

They make your meal any way you want it.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2015
🚨︎ report
A quick journey into the merchandising genius of Hillary's campaign gift shop. [x-post from /u/JaroLink in /r/The_Donald] sli.mg/a/2aSZUr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tellman1257
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to β€œDon’t stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park and see a slide. This is no ordinary slide, mind you, this slide is magic!

Anything you say as you're going down the slide is what you will land in.

The Irishman goes first.

"A POT OF GOLD!" he yells as he slides down and he lands in a pot of gold.

The Welshman goes next.

"POT OF DIAMONDS!" he yells just as loud as the Irishman and he lands in a pot of diamonds.

The Englishman goes next, but he's been on the drink, so he stumbles his way up the slide, then, as he begins his journey down the slide, he yells, "WEEEEE!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Probably one of the deepest books you will ever read

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

πŸ‘︎ 633
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeribleMureal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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I recently began my journey to becoming a vegetarian..

I quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slippinsideways
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
My ex-girlfriend's dad turned 50 and bought himself a Sebring convertible.

He was having a midlife Chrysler.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquarePegSquared
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
This was why I loved my granddad.

Granddad lying in hospital death bed Grandma: "Alright, write your grandson a note for him to remember you by." granddad picks up paper grandma gave him and writes a musical note on it It was his grand finally.

πŸ‘︎ 965
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVault77Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Just tricked my family with this one

Just to liven up a boring car journey

>Me: What's a pirates favourite letter?

>Aunt and Dad: [Rolls eyes] Rrrrr!

>Me: Ah you'd think so, but their true love be for the C.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
10 men trapped in Alaska

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unable to get them out and they were running out of time. With only 18 hours remaining they sent for the only expert who could help, a rescue operations legend Mr. Puh. If he could get a plane into town it could make all the difference.

I remember gathering around the radio, biting our nails, as weather conditions worsened and threatened the planes journey.

I don't remember how long I stayed awake that night, but I will never forget the words I heard when I turned the radio on in the morning: "Puh not in, ten dead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToyokiSonoda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I just watched this wonderful and touching movie about a chef in Northern China.

Set in Northern China, this movie follows the rite of passage of a jaded, aimless Chinese chef who falls in love with a worn out cooking pan that he and his friends once scorned. The two develop a powerful and inspirational relationship in which they discover truths about cooking that take most people a lifetime to learn. It's called A Wok to Remember

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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So Back in the Old West...

There was a 3 legged dog. After a long journey,the dog walks into a small mining town in the desert. In the town, there's a saloon, the type with the swinging doors.The dog walks through and stands in the entrance, everyone stops what they are doing and the saloon goes quiet...

The dog stares down the place and says,

"I'm Looking for the man who shot my Paw."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USHeavyTank
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
(Advice) What are some squirrel puns...need ideas for retirement party?

One of our support staff is retiring. She's been with us for about 10 years. She is known as "squirrel", her nickname from high school.

What are some puns I can use? I plan to have several small squirrel figures holding "signs" wishing her a happy journey, but want to be creative. This will be for a small room with food, cake, coffee, and good company.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
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The ATM

My mom was at the ATM entering her password. Suddenly, a wild dad appeared and said : "hah, your password is so easy to remember. The characters are all X's. "

We all sighed deeply as he laughed uncontrollably, and proceeded our journey in Life ignoring what he just said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eexistencee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I'd be surprised if this is a re-post

My soccer inflicted ingrown toenail has been giving me serious grief, exasperated by an infection. Swollen, purple and painful, my wife told me I needed to buy an expensive set of nail scissors and clippers to trimming down the offending nail.

I replied with "For toepiary?"

I think i must have failed in the telling of my 'dadjoke'. She did NOT roll her eyes but actually laughed!

I guess the journey is long in this game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toocents
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
It's the little things.

My mom, my dad, and I started our journey across the US together in a Uhaul today. My mom likes to freak out. While in traffic, this happened.

Mom: Oh my god, why are we stopping?

Dad: Just a little bit of congestion.

Me: cough

Dad: Very good.

Me: Thanks.

Moments like these make a 26 hour drive cramped in a Uhaul together worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wait_No_Stop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Cows on the track

During my 21st birthday this year, I was on a train back from Edinburgh to London. Halfway through the journey the train came to a halt, and the driver announced that the standstill was due to a herd of cows crossing the track.

Without any hesitation I exclaimed "well, it doesn't look like we're gonna be mooooving for quite some time..."

Everyone on the carriage groaned accordingly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicDoughnuts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
🚨︎ report
This ones from my dad's dad, but nonetheless quite good

Sitting down for story time one afternoon, my grandfather began telling us the story of his trip to the Arctic, "It was a treacherous journey, but we finally made it to our destination, the North Pole. It was a huge sigh of relief for my exploration team and me because we knew that from that point on, it was all downhill from there,".

Classic. We miss you dearly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HP335
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Got this one from a friend's Dad on twitter...

On bus yesterday. Spent whole journey singing songs by The Monkees. Thought that woman opposite was being entertained.

Then I saw her face.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AjGoudie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
A good way to lighten the mood

Me and my family were travelling in the car on a long journey; everyone was falling asleep and bored out of their minds, until: Dad: What a pile of shite... Me: What is? Dad: That pile of shite over there. We were all in stitches laughing for a good 10 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElvisM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Should Dodge

My son was inspecting the front bumper of my car. He said "Dad there's a lot of bugs on your bumper." I said "They should Dodge." I drive a Dodge Journey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmwkaiser
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to β€œDon’t stop believing!”

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to β€œDon’t Stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up to the song Don’t Stop Believing.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report

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