What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

...He goes under cover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedMeToTheFloor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06
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What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?

I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
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Why did James Bond keep his library book?

Because it was Due Another Day

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
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James Pond
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petarkefa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
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What is Chicken Little's least favorite James Bond film?

Skyfall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anathex_Adv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

He goes undercover

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRetadedBanana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is

β€œYou ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wu-Chinese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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What does James Hetfeild call his door when it's open?

A Jar-O

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
I just finished watching James Bond

I was shaken, but not stirred.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
What's James Bond's favorite gas station

007/11

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im9999999999
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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Nice one james
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yesterdaddy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
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Drinking vodka martini's won't make you James Bond.

But it'll make you Roger Moore.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theGamingDad123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wumble27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know where I can find a good James?

It’s just a fancy gym.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waxingcresent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
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The latest James Bond movie is not getting released in China because of Coronavirus fears.

It’s No Time to Die.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
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VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond...

But it will make you Roger Moore.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
What does James bonds do before he goes to bed

He goes under cover

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toaster__Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Edward James Olmos but not quite.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cssnow52
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-O Seven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vEnoM_420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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What do you call James Bond in a Jaccuzi?

Bubble-0 Seven

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/da_dextor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before bed?

He goes under covers

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragoon990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0 Seven.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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The names pond, James pond.

I’ve got a license to krill.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What do you call James Bond with no beard ?

Agent Zero Zero Shaven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rEb0oT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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James pond
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamTheDuck59
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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What event did James Chairles go to this year?

Couchella.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrozenToaster17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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How does James Bond order eggs?

Steak and, not shirred.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zEdgarHoover
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Oh James...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieTiger007
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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Silly James not thinking ahead
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?

Spynosawus.

... I'll just see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h0ll0wface
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What did James's mom say to him when couldn't make friends in school?

Bond. James bond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohit5398
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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What car does James Charles drive?

A convertible

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchlonkyKong
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.

Boss: No problem.

(3 days later)

James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off.

Boss: Wait a second...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
James was taking a test on state capitals.

He knew them all, except for Alaska. He thought to himself, β€œCome on, James. Juneau this one.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpectrumDog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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What is a good relationship between two people named James called?

James bond

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterOfTheSocks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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James Bond is currently abstaining from sex so that he can have multiple orgasms.

Double O saving.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Why does James Charles always lose at poker?

He can never get a straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlavoredCommunism
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
James Charles

Goodbye Sister

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knightsofvalour
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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OMG SISTERS JAMES CHARLES IS DOING A GIVEAWAY

his career

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suck_My_Wab
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did James Cagney drink so much orange juice?

For the vitamin, see?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GRWeston
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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My friend just had three kids! He asked me what to name them. I said β€˜James, Charles and Li Zhao’ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said β€˜Because every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetyboi8787
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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What did the chicken say to james bond?

The name's Ken, Chic Ken

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strangebrew17
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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If George Washington, Ben Franklin, James Madison and Alexander Hamilton play D&D, do they roll for constitution?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
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Why did Lebron James choose not to go to college?

He struggles with finals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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Why does James Bond drives catamarans?

He has a license 2Γ—keel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/secretlyaromantic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Directed by James Gums
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxQU1K5C0P3RxX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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This is in the King Lebron James version.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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So Trump called James Comey a "nut job"...

Orange you glad he didn't say bananas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_was_serious
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
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What does James do at parties?

He Bonds... James Bonds..

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyclingBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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My personal trainer was having an affair with my partner, James

Now I'm going to have to switch Jims

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitebeaks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What is James Bond's favourite dance?

Flemingco

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aslakseie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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What did James Brown say after he attended an Ivy League school?

β€œI FEEL WELL!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Did you know there's a hidden James Bond movie where he is made out of bread?

It was titled "For Your Ryes Only"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crimsonae
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The Disaster Artist will be the "hi Mark" of James Franco's career.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLhoDB-ORLQ

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shufflingmulligan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
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What did the epitaph read on James Watt's grave?

You will be mist.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidJM_Arts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
🚨︎ report
A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond

'What's your name?' Asked the chicken, 'Bond, James Bond. Whats yours?', 'Ken, Chick Ken.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jack_oss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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When I met King James I threw small pieces of ice at him.

Hail to the King!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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James Bond's favorite meal ;) i.reddituploads.com/d63ab…
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverDork
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
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What is James Bond's favorite pasta?

Mini penne.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerkstore_84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon.

We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".

My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"

I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexJWhite86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
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β€œDid you hear that James was just sent to the hospital?”

β€œI can’t imagine what state he must be in.”

β€œHe’s in Nevada.”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
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James May everyone., Someone we must all aspire to be. (X-post /r/videos)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL-m5Nocb-g

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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James Spader
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrael91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2013
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Last night LeBron James purposely farted on a referee...

He was given a fragrant foul.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hexyl68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
what is Jame's Bonds favourite kind of fish?

a Sean Conneray

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peregore
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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James May is one of us
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blacky_1207
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's a big James Bond fan and he told me to try Viagra if I was feeling upset and lonely

"It wont make you Daniel Craig but it will make you Roger Moore."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustedhero
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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James Bond was sent by his nation's government to multiple other nations where he seduced and slept with women.

Does this mean James Bond was involved in foreign affairs?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZWQncyBkaWNr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Off-camera, James Bond must be really bad at his job.

Because they demoted him back to being inspectre.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSourceUnknown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
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Why isn't James Marsters allowed at high school proms?

Because he always ends up Spiking the punch

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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How long is the new James Bond movie?

While sitting down to watch the Blu-Ray

Him: "How long is the new James Bond movie?"

Me: "I exSpectre it will be at least two hours."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sugarplumcow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad explaining why James Bond is playing on Thanksgiving.

[James Bond theme plays on TV in the living room]
Dad: You recognize that, Josh?
Me: Yeah, because James Bond and Thanksgiving go hand-in-hand.
Dad: I know!
Me: I was being sarcastic.
Dad: Why?
Me: How does it have anything to do with Thanksgiving?
Dad: Oh come on, a lot of families Bond on Thanksgiving!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terminavelocity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do in bed?

He goes undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/can_i_get_likes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before bed?

He goes undercover

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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