You hear about the cop who got busted for driving while intoxicated?

He thought he was supposed to protect and swerve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entree_The_Giant
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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A toilet, a urinal and a very drunk sink are all at the front of a club, fighting and arguing with the bouncer to allow them and their extremely intoxicated friend inside.

Repeatedly shouting β€œLet that sink in!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciceromilton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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How do you drive while intoxicated?

Whis-key.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wormri
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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If insects were psychoactive or intoxicating...

...I guess the new slogan would be:

"Friends don't let friends use bugs."

(Hey, I'm winging it here.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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What makes an intoxicating golf game? imgur.com/gallery/r6bQB
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Christophoro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.

I think they're intoxicating people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Support groups

Procrastinator's Anonymous will be canceled because all the members have put off coming to at least next week. (Credit unknown)

Jane finally decided to join Narcotics Anonymous after getting needled into coming. (Original)

I bet you 50:1 odds that Joe won't be here at Gamblers Anonymous tonight. (Original)

As Laura spoke at AA, I found her account intoxicating. (Original)

Even if I were transgender, I doubt I'd ever go to a Crossdressers Anonymous meeting. I hear those meetings are literally a drag. (Original)

At a computer users' group, a guy was complaining that his Linux-loving girlfriend refused to do Windows. (Original)

I plum need to attend a Purple Anonymous meeting. (Original)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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