In Winter It Puns

The match.

Because you have the chance toboggan.

Because its a little chili.

Bank account is frozen.

Forklift battery was dead this morning when I got to work, The boss told me to send one of the techs to buy a battery and to pick up some salt for the ice on the driveway.. I sent a tech to pick up the stuff, he came back a few minutes later and said he was concerned about "A Salt And Battery"

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
17. Always go straight home after work or school
18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.

It's Winter in a Walken Wonderland.

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

A hot dog, and in the winter it's a chili dog.

The old man was cheery and happy while his wife did not share his joy. The old man said; "honey why're you grumpy? It's christmas!" She said; "but deer look! All our crops are dying if this goes on we won't survive the winter. We need a christmas miracle for that." The old man looked outside and said; "Honey, look a christmas miracle!" The old lady got filled with glee and looked outside, and there was santa flying in his sleigh. She said; "But honey was wasn't hoping for santa in his sleigh, I was hoping for rain-dear!"

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"

"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)

"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."

"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."

"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."

"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."

"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."

"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"

"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."

"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."

"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

Donkey starts speaking to the horse, “So what do you do?”

“Oh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping.” says the horse.

Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a thoroughbred.

“What do you do?” Asks the horse.

All embarrassed the donkey says “oh... uh... well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beach”

They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey's house for drinks next week. Donkey's thinking to himself he’s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.

Horse comes round and goes “Oh this is a nice house you’ve got, that’s a nice picture too”

Donkey says “Oh aye, that’s when I played for Juventus”

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

Dad was visiting last week, talking about his household projects he did. He mentioned that he got his septic tank emptied before winter, and that 'it was a shitty job'. He then tells me that his neighbor also had to get his tank emptied, so the service truck also emptied the neighbor's tank at the same time. He smiles and says, "Well, my neighbor and I finally got our shit together!"

He said he was very proud of himself for making an original pun like that. I patted him on the shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, "I can always appreciate an organic pun."

Couple of my coworkers were talking about new windows one of them were putting in. As I'm walking to my office, I overhead them saying how the new windows are frosted and look really nice.

Me (interrupting them): Yeah, some of our windows are frosted too. But it's weird because in the winter time, they flake quite a bit for some reason.

Coworker 1: Flake? What do you mean?

Me: Yeah it's weird. My frosted window flakes all the time.

Coworker 2: OMG laughter

A few minutes pass as I grab some lunch and head back to my office.

Coworker 2: Anything else about your windows you'd like to tell us?

Me (after a brief pause): They're grrrrrrrrrrreat!

"Go sit in the corner, son!"

"What for?"

"It's 90 degrees over there"

Happy winter!

So we were discussing the recent refugee crisis in class a few days ago. One girl said:"It's going to be pretty hard in winter for them, because there arent a lot of proper shelters." So I loudly claimed :"Yeah the situation is getting pretty IN TENTS!" Reaction: Teacher laughed, some students cringed and most people didnt listen...

Dad: Man, it really is a winter wonderland out there. (We live in Wisconsin, lots of snow for the last 24 hours)

Girlfriend: Really? You still think that after all the shoveling you guys have been doing?

Dad: Yeah. It makes me wonder why the hell I still live in a place with winters like this.

My girlfriend did not see it coming. I have much to learn.

On bridges in Michigan, there are signs warning motorists of ice that forms over them during the winter months.

When I was a kid, I was riding in the car with my dad one hot summer day. my dad says, "boy is it hot..." as he pulls over on the bridge, unhooks his wristwatch and sticks it out the window. I ask, "what are you doing, dad?" And he says, "didn't you see the sign? 'Watch for ice on bridge'!"

He laughed for a good five minutes as he drove off.

A collegue of mine (a dad, recently turned 50) pulled this one off during a break at work when we were in the middle of a very heated debate about the Sami people (who some people get really pissed off at since their reindeers are everywhere and is really dangerous to car drivers during winters):

-I just heard what they actually use the reindeer pelts for.

-What's that?

-They keep their reindeers in them.

I don't know if it's just funny for us people here in the north of Sweden, but we all laughed for minutes.

So someone suggested that I posted this here, not sure if it fits since it happend .but here it is

So I was 10 years old and it was winter ,my mom made me go shovel the snow, 10 minutes later I was finished and walked back inside then my mom went to look and asked me to come back out and actually shovel the snow. Confused I walk out and see that all the snow is still there, so I had to shovel again and before I went inn I asked my mom to come look , she said OK and when I went inside I found my dad with a shit eating grin and a shovel in his hand

I didn't speak with him for an hour

At work we we have a large fireplace we use to heat the shop in the winter. Occasionally a sign shop down the street gives us some long cardboard tubes (think toilet paper but longer and thicker) that we can burn. It's a win-win situation that gets rid of their garbage and provides us heat for the winter.

Anyways I pick up the tubes and come pulling in the shop with a truck bed full. I start unloading when my boss comes up to help out. Upon seeing the tubes he makes the shaka sign (surfer hand symbol with thumb and pinky out) and says "Tubular".

I physically groaned at this one.

Tonight my family goes out for Chinese. Its winter. My mom drops lip-balm mid-use and cannot find it. "Can anyone see my chapstick?" she asks. "You can use mine!" says dad with a shit-eating grin on his face and a chopstick in his hand.

Early September right around sunset.

Me: "Jeez, it's weird to think that in a few months around winter, it'll (would) be pitch black outside."

Dad: "A few months!? It'll be pitch black out in about an hour!"

I had wrapped up a sandwich from the dining hall and put it in my winter hat so I could sneakily carry it out...so when we got back to my room, I took the sandwich out and there was lettuce in my hat.

My friend says, "I guess you could call it a head of lettuce"

Groan...

Dad: Let's go see a movie at the drive-in. Me: Isn't that closed because it's winter? Dad: It's still showing one movie called "Closed for the Season."

Me: I can't take this winter anymore! GF: Let's move to Texas Me: Let's...Well on second thought, we shouldn't. GF: Why not? Me: Because, all my ex' live in Texas

It got a solid laugh...and a little I hate you.

Me: dad, I need your credit card for $0.99 to buy 20gb of iCloud storage for my phone.

Dad: shakes head in confusion You need what?

Me: I need $1 for iCloud storage...

Dad: I can see why you would need it in the summer, but it's winter and there are plenty of clouds in the sky...