Coronavirus having a devastating impact on the stock market
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πŸ‘€︎ u/falafel_hotdog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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It would make an impact.

You don’t have to have a parachute to skydive. You just need one to do it twice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ra6907
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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The impact the aeroplane’s invention has made has been far-reaching
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πŸ‘€︎ u/listeningSaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Haha impact font!!πŸ‘Œ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeimosDeist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall

It was not a drill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yobababi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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In one of my statistics classes, we were given a task to measure and analyze the fumes coming from tailpipes of various cars and to track their environmental impact.

It was exhausting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
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Saw a sign that said β€œShoplifting can leave a person with a record and impact their life. β€œ

Dad: β€œThat’s only if you shoplift a record. β€œ

He laughed at himself for the next 3 minutes of our lives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lsurox22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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The Schiaparelli Mars Lander exploded on impact with Mars, the European Space Agency announced...

The Lander is now known as Scraparelli.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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How does the Earth keep itself clean ?

With a meteor shower

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once

It has really impacted my outlook on life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dulonko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.

Wookiee mistake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashie1985
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.

He dyed on impact.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Some people have jumped off of something and died

They jumped to a conclusion and made an impact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BasementSkeleton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hooligan_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Coach used to tell me I screwed up my drills

I had no impact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

FeyoncΓ©

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaulmejitesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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The airline says replacing old Dash-8s with new 737s will mean quicker flights on all impacted routes, but...

it’s obviously a longer plane ride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?

A heat-seeking hittle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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I CAN’t believe how sad this is
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaCaptainClutch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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In Case You Don't Get Any Tonight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
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What do you think walking on the moon is like?

Not very impactful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/modell92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Essay : discuss the advantages and disadvantages of being an amputee

Well on the one hand it can have a huge psychological impact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CVSSR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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Single meteors

Do you know why you never see a meteor by itself? Because they travel impacts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Sheep20
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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"Daaad, can we please go now? I'm thirsty!"

"***HI THIRSTY, I'M FRIDAY, COME ON OVER SATURDAY AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE!!***"

Come on dad I didn't even get that one until I was like 14.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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From my daughter (as we ate at Five Guys): I had some fries and they complained about everything.

I guess you could say they were kinda salty!

Her and I always exchange dad jokes. We've been impacted by hurricane Michael and have been away from home for over a week. She looked up a bunch of dad jokes to tell me since I've been busy getting our stuff figured out and been in meetings to get work/job operational once the building/power/water is available.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RomeoFour8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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I got into a car accident and my passenger has never been the same.

I had a huge impact on his life.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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Do you remember that movie on concussions?

It really impacted my mind

Said by my mother, but my father caught the pun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doses_of_mimosas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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A man registered for a woodworking class...

A man registered for a woodworking class at his local college. At the end of orientation day, he went up to his professor and nervously enquired whether they would be learning how to make chairs.

"But of course," exclaimed the instructor. "Why?"

"Oh well you see," the man exhaled, visibly relieved "I suffer from IBS and my doctor requested a stool sample."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed.

An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs! Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again! He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve! Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished! The cough drops had stopped his coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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A man died in a tragic skydiving accident...

Many say he left the impact on the world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajohnson1210
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
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I read an interesting article recently...

Apparently, Alaskan racing dogs perform optimally when they consume non-meat products mid-run; needless to say, this has caused a great change in tactics. A lot of it is untested, but a few dogs are going through trials to see how various types of fungi impact their speeds. The training facility was just built; they call it the "mush room."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FKDSOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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Dad Joke From One Dad To Another

I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long.


I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh.

Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there.

One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty.

The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment.

Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop.

With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him.

"Only Hugh could prevent florist fires."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primatebuddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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Deer accident

I was helping a colleague on a deer impact claim. She told me the deer jumped out in front of the vehicle.

"Guess that deer wanted some doe"

She told me to go away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p4in7r4in
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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Mum hit a deer last night, Dad says it was venicide.

Direct impact, so the front of the car is totaled and it can't be driven, but no air bags went off so everyone is okay. The morning has been long, lots of time on the phone since the vehicle in question was a rental. Can't say they won't remember their time in Alberta.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meredithgillis
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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Teacher made a dad joke

In history class, talking about economic impact and prices of goods.

Student: "I hear they're thinking about raising milk prices to around 7 dollars or something!"

Teacher: "That would be utterly disgusting."

Only a slow clap from a couple kids while he wore a beaming smile, proud of his daily dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Kixen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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I just shot a guy with a paintball gun.

He dyed on impact.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report

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