As an immune deficient person, anti vaxxers make me sick
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lt_Matthew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?

Because of their Auntie-bodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reiri_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Oven mitts make hands immune to heat.

At least to a certain degree.

(first post here. thought of this while making a hot pocket)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shockedcandy614
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Why are ants immune during this global pandemic?

Because they have little antibodies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellsh0ckevincar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I'm immune now

After two months of lockdown, inactivity and junk food, I have developed an antibody myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcarr277
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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My mom's sisters said they are immune to all viruses.

They said it's because of their aunt-ey bodies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enganere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Who knew dogs were immune?

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. Now we know WHO let the dogs out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schlayer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Don't know what's your opinion about that, but being immune from dangerous diseases..

..is worth a shot.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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The Amish have an auto-immune disease.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jefuchs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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My son is immune to dad jokes

I'm a mother so it's probably why, but my poor attempt at dad jokes always backfire.

An example from today:

Son: I'm thirsty!

Me: Hi thirsty, I'm mummy!

Son: Hi thirsty, I'm [son's name]!

Godamn 3 year olds not understanding great humour!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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Have you heard about the groups of feline warriors that protects the immune system?

They call themselves the gang-lions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacoNumeroJuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Thought I was immune to dad jokes for a while there, until my dad dropped this one this Easter.

Each member in our family split up the amount of eggs so that we'd get 6 to dye each, two dozen. At the end of the dying session, my sister looks over at my dad's 6 eggs and we see he's got one white egg left. My sister wants an extra egg if he's not going to use it and asks if she can dye the egg. He looks at her like she's lost her mind and said he dyed all of his eggs, there isn't one left. This banter goes on for about 5 or 6 minutes with all of us insisting he has a leftover egg to dye. Finally, he looks down and says "oh do you mean this one?" Pointing to the white egg. We all let out an exasperated "YES!" He turns to is all, with the big old dad smirk on his face and says, oh no that one's done, I put that one in the white dye. groans all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ujelly_fish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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High school reunions are not immune to dad jokes.

So one of my childhood friends made a Facebook status about hanging out with her parents. I don't think she even realizes how much of a gem her dad is.

Mom: "So another person in my graduating class died..."

Me: "Oh no..."

Mom: "Yeah so I guess it's all starting for me."

Me: "Oh my gosh haha stop."

Mom: "But, you know, a lot of people were dead at my 25th reunion."

Dad: "Wow... it must've smelled..."

Me: lololololol

Mom: ".... Wait, what?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angdifran
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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A joke about herd immunity isn't funny unless...

...everyone gets it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterSwan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What do you call an emtional covid 19 immunization?

A Vacc-scene

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fanklinthefox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Ho ho ho!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Me to my deaf friend: why risk going to a rock concert with the pandemic raging and all?

My deaf friend: heard immunity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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How come Trump doesn’t wear a mask?

He thinks he has diplomatic immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TherapyHam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Why didn’t the vacuum want to talk about her views on immunization during Thanksgiving dinner?

she knew that her viewpoint sucked, and she had no intention of making a vac scene

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PostreDeLaNoche
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maybebabyg
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Cows can’t catch coronavirus

because of their im-moo-nity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

It’s the weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Why don’t cows and sheep get coronavirus?

They have herd immunity.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Enough of the Corona virus jokes

We're all getting sick of them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SixxSe7eN
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Taking 2 month old for immunizations...

Text Dad "Ill be late coming back from lunch, taking (daughters name) for shots" He responds "don't you think she's too young to be doing shots?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bandit6789
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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The people who bought all the toilet paper are special!

They have the hoard immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.

It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoraceSchemer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Why Putin will never get coronavirus?

He has diplomatic immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Csxbot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.

I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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Now that Elon Musk has launched his Tesla Roadster into orbit, why is space soon going to be full of diseases?

Because it’s no longer auto immune.

(Told to my by my actual dad. The screenshot of his text got removed from /r/funny :( )

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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Watching the news with my parents when this happened:

Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....

Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks)

Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatDoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Why don't ants get sick? Redux

Because they have tiny antibodies!

I dropped this joke on an unsuspecting lecture hall after an hour's worth of lecture about immune assays. The lecturer even repeated the joke and the punchline into her mic so the whole thing is recorded. I've never heard so many people groan in unison, about 150.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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Came home from seeing the doctor, and my dad got me.

Me: "They think they've ruled out cancer, and they're leaning towards it being an auto-immune disease."

Him: "Well, it sucks that you won't be able to drive anymore."

It took me a second to get it before the groans began.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vocabularri
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2016
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Will dad jokes still be dad jokes when we're the dads making them?

This is kind of a chicken/egg dillema for me. Will a new crop of dads mark the beginning of a new type of dad joke or is the very nature of the dad joke immune to generational shifts?

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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My dad got me for the first time in a while.....

I was getting ready to go out, and I noticed I was out of pomade. So I go downstairs and talk to my parents so that next time they go grocery shopping, they can get me some more.

Me: Mom! I ran out of pomade, can you get me some more?

Dad: Why? What happened to the one we got you?

Me: Dad, that one ran out!!!

Dad: So why didn't you catch it?!?!?!?!?

My dad is pretty well known for his repitoire of dad-jokes and normally I'm pretty immune to them, but this one killed me for some reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JRAWM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Immunity

Now you all have heard immunity.

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πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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My boss asked why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I get sick on work days only

Because I have a weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow__987
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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For some reason I always get sick during holidays.

I must have a weekend immune system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAZUAG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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My boss said "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Cows can’t get coronavirus...

They have herd immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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