He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
But I think it's time to turn the page.
Even the baby seemed impressed.
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
So I handed her a knife and an onion.
She's not really a mourning person.
Someone asked about extra credit.
Professor: "I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class"
Me: "yeah but do you give extra debit?"
Presents!
I find it very catharctic.
Response? "He's just a little kid."
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
He thought it was upsetting.
Onions was such a good dog
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
She said "yeah, but don't you think you should pick on someone your own size?"
I think he was headed for a breakdown.
He's 14. You'd think that by now he'd know my name is Troy.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
I said “I’m sorry, I thought we were raising an American. Yet here you are, Russian.”
Try not to get emotionally attached.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
It’s strange because it clearly said ‘TEAR HERE’
Bereave you me.
He was growing through a rough patch.
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
“I’m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest life”.
“That sounds wonderful” I said “Why are you crying?”
“I can’t remember where we live!” he wailed.
I really should speak to a therapist about my post-traumatic stress disorder.
So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.
I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"
My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"
I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"
Shes 11 years old and still doesn't know that my name is bob...
she refused and kept saying, "Oniisan! Oniisan!".
Doesn't he like to be called Stephen?
"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.
It's a touchy subject.
I didn’t see it, but I’m sure it was quite the racket.
What did the Eiffel tower cry out when it collapsed? . . .
I fell
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!
Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!
Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁
Barman says ‘why you crying?’ He says ‘a bus containing 30 Karens went over a cliff’ Barman says ‘so why you crying?’ He says; ‘there was 5 empty seats!’
"Just like her mother."
He was the real wet blanket of the party.
The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"
Me: So that’s where all that crying is coming from.
“Was it a Saab?”
No, more of a whimper
"Uno, dos..."
And then POOF! He disappeared.
Without a tres.
She gets a bit emotional at paintballing.
"Are you having a crisis?"
It had a nervous breakdown.
A couple were watching the news.
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident," said the newscaster.
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing... "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
"Talk to me baby, a problem shared is a problem halved."
Unfortunately her problem was fractions, so she had no clue what I was talking about…
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
My friend: so it’s bread in captivity?
Me: crying no it landed on the sidewalk.
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!
Him: crying
Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
He answered, "It's this job man! I hate it!"
Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...
Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!
Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.
I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.
Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
I told her, "Don't cry over your food. It will be nasty."
To which my father replies, "It's fine, even I like a little whine in my food."
I got charged with racquet-tearing
A psychiatrist asked his patient if he could remember one life changing moment that really stood out from any others.
He replied. "Why yes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was running down the street with tears flowing from my eyes crying 'Its a boy, its a boy!' I made a concious decision that day to never visit another brothel in Thailand".
Me: *cries in my 2 feet*
Cry-lo Ren.
Really, I had no choice. She was resisting a rest.
I replied - "Shouldn't you get a hersterectomy?"
She groaned, but then agreed that I should post this here...
And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.
I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.
"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"
I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.
"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡As the song goes, "Ciabatta watch out, Ciabatta not cry, Ciabatta not pout......"
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:
"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"
Son - "You don't have to cry about it"
A laughing Millenial: "im dead" The Millenial's dad: *cries
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Even the baby seemed surprised that I could do it.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Onions was a good dog.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I miss onions, he was a good dog
But it's not enough to make a man cry.
