My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
Today, my son asked: "Can I have a bookmark?". To which I instantly started crying
After all these years, he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
I met a woman outside the mall crying
She had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found. When god blesses you, you must bless others.
Taken from dad jokes
Saw a zookeeper crying today.
He was standing next to the elephant enclosure sobbing his heart out.
'What's wrong?' I asked.
'Trunky has just died," wept the zookeeper
'Aaw, and you really loved him?' I asked.
'No, but I have to bury him,' replied the zookeeper.
How do you call it when you start crying after you fart
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Told the doctor that I have this eel that keeps bursting out of my back and crying.
He prescribed me some anti-BackTearyEel lotion to take care of it.
How does an astronaut quiet a crying baby?
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
Why was the 2 yr old unvaccinated child crying?
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
My son was crying because his mom took his Xbox...
... so I had to console him.
The best thing to do with a crying baby is throw them in the air.
Because what goes up must calm down.
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job! I hate it!"
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My son told me that when it rains it means God is crying.
I agreed with him and told him it was probably because of something he did.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself
They must be a little patient.
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...
"It’s a moving violation!"
I felt really sad when I saw a girl on TV crying and saying, “I Miss America!”
Then someone corrected her grammar and gave her a sash and a tiara.
My friend was crying because he didn't know what to grow in his garden
I told him to grow a pear
I saw my neighbor and his family crying this morning
They just got back from a moving sale.
My wife handed me a bag of dried apricots and I started crying
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
I had a friend who started crying and said he somehow once saw the sun rising in the west instead of the east.
He thought it was upsetting.
My toddler was having a massive tantrum until she found a grape on the floor. She ate it, and forgot why she was crying.
She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a...moving violation.
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: It’s such a moving violation.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because it's parents were in a jam
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call a crying sister?
What do you call a crying sister?
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite.....a moving violation.
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