Hurry Up Puns

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

Hustle, Sleuth.

Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”

Dad: Son, you never had any, because you're not a doctor.

Quit Stalin or I'll have to be Russian over here.

Dad: hurry up! Me: I’m coming! Dad: so is Christmas!

Oof this is a bad post

“I’ve gotta take a dump-a dump dump!”

He replied, "Quit Russian me!"

Underlay! Underlay!

Xpost: Jokes

All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...

Cashier told me: "It's $4.05". I looked at my watch and said, "No, it's 8:45."

Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”

Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”

.. and my SO knocks on the door. She says, "Hey you need to hurry up, I've got a mountain cat situation out here."

Confused, I replied "What does that mean?"

She said "I'm a puma pants."

So my dad just now made the dad joke of Christmas.

Mom: Hurry up and start rapping!

Dad: ( beep box/fake Rapping) okay there I'm starting!

After a long day of work i came home and asked my wife what's for dinner. She didn't know either so i said, you know what? Lets go for a fancy dinner at the restaurant, we're gonna eat some snails.

She wasn't interested in going out and said, you know what why don't you go to the night shop and pick up some snails and some red wine. And so i did..

On my way back home from the night shop i come across some friends dragging me to the bar. I end up drinking beers until 5 in the morning and then finally decide to go home. Grabbing the keys in my pocket i manage to drop the snails i bought at the night shop.

Now, at my doorstep, i ring the bell. My wife opens up and asks me where i was for the last few hours. I look at the ground and say "hurry up you damn snails we're almost there".

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, “Play it?! I wanna marry her!"

The husband salad says: Hurry up, we're going to be late.

The wife salad says: Just a minute!!

The husband salad responds: Lettuce Go!

I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/

Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.

When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?

In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.

I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

So I immediately pounced upon the opportunity and forwarded the time in his laptop by 6 hours.

When he returned, I said, "I'm leaving now. It's 5 PM already."

"Oh yes it is," He said, "See you tomorrow."

"It fucking worked!" I thought to myself, as I jolted towards home.

I then enjoyed my entire day and was sleeping peacefully at night, when my phone suddenly rang at 3:15 AM.

He said, "Hurry up, you're 15 minutes late for work."

The paprika turns to the other who was lagging behind and says "Cayenne, hurry up!!!" The other spice looks up and says "I'm Cumin!"

After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"

"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"

Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.

He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".

Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"

Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!

She texted me "Hurry up they already, seated me."

I was pissed. Why couldn't she wait?

But then I got there and saw she hadn't started eating yet.

So it was a naan issue.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to "entertain" us:

1. Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking "You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift?" I would usually hide under a seat in shame.

2. On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question "Hot enough for everyone?" which just gave him groans and a loud "yes". - "Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again". (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing)

3. Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first "to save gas", creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen.

Any other stories you guys have?

My sister: "I need to hurry up and go change first."

Dad: "Don't change, we like you!"

I was setting up some hardware for him and he asked me to hurry up.

I said, "Can't you wait, I thought you had a lot of patients?"

He lives very far from my place (10 hours flight to get there) and unfortunately, I was not able to visit my parents this year.

Obviously he asked me when I will come and visit them, to which I replied "I'll visit you this year for sure".

By the time I said that I told myself "god what have you done..." only to hear my dad on the phone: "Better hurry up! you only have 5 days left!"

Whenever I see something with an expiration date that has a ridiculous time a lotted for consumption I will say... For instance today is august 16,2013 If i buy cereal today that expires on november 2015 I will say "we have to hurry up and eat this by november 2015!" Hahaha...crickets

I'll start with mine.

1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

"I'm not a doctor so I don't need patients. Also hurry up, it's time to go."

In high school my very best friend and I snuck out and went looking for fun. We were really fired up and he hurried ahead and ran straight into the nearest bar. Luckily, I had the good sense to duck.

I ran into an old friend who was in a hurry.

He said, "Hey, let's meet up later and we can catch up."

I said, "Great! But I would prefer to mustard..."

Blank stare.

My wife, our boy and I were taking a walk today, with me and him up front and mom trailing behind. She started gaining on us, so I said, "Hurry, mom's right on our tails!"

Without skipping a beat he looks at me and says, "Ow ow she's on our tails!"

His mom and I had quite a good chuckle.

Setup:

  I didn't have enough speed to get past a flat area that we reached, and we were on our last run of the day. I had to unbuckle one of my boots and pushed myself to the slope. My dad was worried that we were running late and they would send ski patrol to guide us down. (We got on the lift last minute)

  The joke:

  dad: "what are you doing?"

  me: "I was getting close to the wooded area (there was a fork) and I didn't want to run into a tree"

  dad: "well hurry up and let's skedaddle ski-daddle"

  I didn't get the joke until I was going back downhill, so he didn't hear how hard I groaned.

Dinner time at my parents, for which my mother has prepared a bowl of cool, refreshing punch.

"You better hurry up if you want a glass, otherwise you'll have to wait for the punchline".

I walk out to the car on the way to work, forgot my keys, so I run back inside. Mom looks up and asks what I forgot. I said, 'keys!' As I hurry past her in the kitchen. Without skipping a beat she replies " well you know those are a KEY factor in getting to work?"