Hole Punch Puns

I grabbed the paper from her, held it in front of my waist and said "say something sexy!" She did her best to cover her grin with an enormous eye roll.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

Yesterday a lady was wondering what type of cheese she should put on her sub so I recommended the Swiss cheese because, as I put it, "The Swiss cheese is always really neutral".

The worst part is she didn't even laugh.

I told them I have a hole lot of punching to do.

Dad joked the deli clerk today. I handed her our punch card, you know the ones where you get your 11th meal free after 10 hole punches.

Clerk: (remarking at the previous poorly punched holes) I hate when they half-punch the holes.

Me: that's pretty hard to do considering it's a whole puncher.

Teacher: "Are you religious?"

Me: "Sure?"

Teacher: "Here's some holy paper."

The papers were hole punched...

GF: I wear this skirt so much I think it's getting holes in it.

Me: I see two big holes in it.

GF: Where?!

Me: (points) Right at the bottom and right at the top

GF: (punches me)

Just remembered when we were once sitting in class at the end of a lesson. The guy next to him asked if he had a hole punch.

He closed his fist and feebly pressed it against the guy's shoulder.

"Sorry. Only got a half punch."

Coworker: Anyone have a hole punch?

Me: Sorry, best I can do is a half-punch.