A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
Why couldn't the drunk guy call his pals over to his home?
Because he had no balance.
Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.
His office is run by a skeleton crew.
What did Sherlock Homes say to his son when he couldn't understand him?
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -
"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.
A college kid finished up his spring semester and is going back home to see his parents.
Son: Hey Dad! It’s great to see you again, I like your new beard.
Dad: Thanks son. When I first stopped shaving I didn’t like it, but then it grew on me.
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:
Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!
The snail left his shell at home.
He was feeling sluggish the rest of the day.
What did the baby say when his computer programmer dad came home from work?
My Brother brought this home the other day from his field day. . .
Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life?
The Doctor only gave him 4!...
I was all set to celebrate my promotion at work when my son came home and said he was voted king of his class...
He really reigned on my parade.
Did you hear about the guy who converted a Concorde into his home?
He likes to live life in the fast plane
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to
Why didn't the astronaut ever come home to his wife?
Because he needed his space!
Why did the astronaut refuse to fly home to visit his girlfriend?
A man I know brings cheese from home to put on his fast food burgers instead of paying extra.
He's a pretty Krafty guy.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
A mathematician comes home drunk at 3 AM. His wife: Hey, you promised to be in by 1145. What the hell happened?
Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.
I asked my friend who works at a funeral home how his job was.
He told me it was a dying industry.
Why did the bull leave his phone at home?
What did the alcoholic husband said to his wife whenwhen he returned home?
When my granddad died, I asked the funeral home why his funeral cost more than my grandma's who past away a year ago.
They blamed it on the cost of living.
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, “Son, look, check out my new AirPods!”
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
My neighbor got a patent on his smart home and thought provoking landscaping.
It's his intellectual property.
Why did the burglar shower at his victim’s home
He wanted a clean getaway
Ben was at home looking for his super fantastic amazingly cool dad
When it was clear his dad wasn't in sitting, he went to the window and saw his dad...
Was outstanding
I remember as a kid my dad got fired from his job as a road worker fir theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing but when i got home, the signs were all there.
A boy comes home from school and talks to his dad.
He then accidentally says “I hate tennis man” as he is used to being at school and complaining ;)
His dad then responds by saying “who’s tennis man and what has he done to you” The son then looks like he wants to throw himself off a bridge
Why couldn’t the dairy farmer find his way home?
My son came home angry from school so I asked him what had happened. He tells me that he just had the worst day ever, and it all started when the teacher asked him to take out his colored pencils. I say "Whoa stop right there..."
"...The correct term is African-American pencils."
A father comes home from work to find his son playing on the computer....
Dads asks “what are you playing son?” Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, “Minecraft. “
Dad replies “so one could say you’re practicing for a career in the mining business.”
Kid says, “why don’t you mine your own business and leave me alone!”
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
Timmy got sent home from school today, he mooned his class again.
Don’t worry honey he’s just going through a phase.
My teenage son came home upset that his crush is attracted to the new foreign exchange student at school
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
Dad comes home from work and says to his daughter, "I learned some Haitian Creole today!"
Daughter: Let's hear it.
Dad: M pa konnen.
Daughter: What's it mean?
Dad: I don't know.
People say, "a man's home is his castle"...
What did Black Panther say to his daughter when she got home after dark?
Wakanda time do you call this?!
A Sheppard came home from a long day tending his flock.
As soon as he comes through the door his wife excitedly tells him "Henry! You would never believe it! The sheep have formed a Jazz band! Isn't that great?!"
Henry, annoyed, replies "I know Mary, I fucking heard them."
A botanist goes home to his wife
Wife: Dear, did you get those flowers I had asked for?
Husband: Nope...I haven’t botany flowers.
Batman lost electricity in his home...
I guess he’s gonna have a “Dark Night”
The Solar Panel goes home one night, rejecting his wife’s advances.
He says, “I’m sorry honey. I’ve just got no energy at night.”
Even though he extremely skeptical, the hunchback’s wife finally convinced him to see a surgeon to straighten his spine. When the operation was done, he came home and told his wife:
What did the electrician Dad say to his son when the boy came home at 2:00 in the morning?
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
A train conductor gets arrested for committing crimes in his home town...
The judge wants to know his local motive.
How does the penguin build his home?
Why did the horse leave his broken home?
He was looking for a more stable environment
A farmer decides to sell his home and shows a potential buyer around- "there's only 1 downside it's an old farm and all we have is an outhouse" the buyer says "oh, well thats fine- is there a lock?"
The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"
I told the local beaver that I wanted his home and I wasn't going to pay him for it.
He told me, "I'm sorry, I just don't give a dam."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home?
Once my dad came home from work and told my mom that he had seen three dead squirrels in the garden on his way in.
My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."
Why couldn't Edward depart to his home from the Russian Airport?
Because of the weather, he got Snowed-in :)
How did the fish feel after the eel helped him find his way home?
Come home after sitting my exam and see my dad poke his head out from the kitchen.
"So how did your maths exam go? Did it all add up?"
OH MY GOD! My friend the cartoonist was just found dead in his home by the police!
A beaver watches as a turbulent river destroys his home.
Where does Buzz Lightyear go for his home furnishings?
To Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!
Dad visits a coffee shop on his way home
He said he had tried the new Costa (a UK equivalent to Starbucks) in town. I asked him what it was like, having not visited it myself and he simply replied "It Costa fortune"
Did you hear why the science teacher said after his kids moved away from home?
I saw this one on my Facebook feed. "A husband comes home to his wife making dinner..."
A husband comes home to his wife making dinner. He asks, "Is there anything I can do to help?" She replies, "Sure, there is a bag of potatoes in the fridge. Get them out, peel half of them, and put them in a pot of water." This was the result:
http://i.imgur.com/JEZhghr.png
My friend uploaded a picture of him travelling in Australia, I could feel his eye roll from home
When I was 8 or 9 years old, my dad got his first home computer.
He signed onto AOL and when it said "You've got mail!" (this was the first time I'd heard it), he said "It's a little late for the mail man, you mind getting it?" I went to check the mailbox and came back inside confused with no mail and found him stifling back laughter.
My Dad came home from the local football grounds with a very serious look on his face...
Complaining that some idiot had left a can of petrol unattended after mowing the pitch and a poor dog had drank the whole thing. It ran around in circles for 10 minutes before collapsing.
Me: "Was it dead?"
Dad: No... it just ran out of petrol.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
A man walked into his home
and was delighted when he discovered every lamp in his home had been stolen.
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
The man entered his home and Was absolutely delighted to see...
that every one of his lamps were stolen!
A man entrees his home and is delighted to see...
That all of his lamps have been stolen!
A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.
Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.
A man's home is his castle...
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
