Here's a healthy pun!
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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If you're feeling suicidal, chips are actually healthy.

Eating them decreases your wait.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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They say practice healthy eating…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoodPunAficionado
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Stay healthy!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LmaoZedong1918
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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One should eat a healthy meal before going to space.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suddenly_ants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Maintaining a healthy diet...

is a piece of cake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Why are Wendy's burgers healthy?

It's a square meal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WEsellFAKEdoors
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Healthy dialogue
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πŸ‘€︎ u/79to55
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Sleep experts reckon that in order to stay optimally healthy, you need "6-8 hours a day".

That's me buggered then, my day has 24 hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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So I try to eat healthy

But every time I try, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SprxtGaming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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I eat healthy food 6 days a week

I only eat greasy food on Fryday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Those patties made of chickpeas and spices are supposed to be healthy.

But whenever I make them I felafel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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I'm sure he'll grow up to liver healthy life
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Random_420-69
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Eating apples is healthy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/normalperson4382
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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What music group will make you healthy?

BeeGees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benboga08
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I'm sure he'll grow up to liver healthy life.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morgan_Redwood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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All of my mom's sisters are incredibly healthy

thanks to all of their auntie-bodies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Why is Jesus so healthy?

He does crossfit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeetmyMeat234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I had to check my pee if i was healthy

It was unclear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notsafeforh0me
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I wanted to make a new soft drink called Emotions

But my therapist thought that was a bad idea. He said it was not healthy to bottle emotions. Others told me that the product would fizz in sales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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A chemist plants a seed

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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What do you call a number that won't sit still??

A Roamin' Numeral.

(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)

Everyone stay safe and healthy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josie4afg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Germany has unveiled a new, healthy meal plan for all its citizens

They call it the Guten Free Diet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiHuski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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My daughter: it's not healthy to have that much whip cream

Me: just trying to get whipped into shape.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Did you hear that Science is now saying Birthdays are Healthy for you?

Apparently people who have more live longer...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoardGameHalv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Whole Foods is using anime to promote healthy snacks for kids.

Their first product is 'My Hero Macadamia.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Dad: I’ll have the steak. Mom: Have the chicken instead. It’s healthy.

Dad: No it isn’t. It’s dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Ive been trying to grow my food, to be more healthy

I just can't find any bacon seeds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MezzingChiba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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The gaming world made kid's teeth healthy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teevi_c
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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When you really want to live life on the edge and be healthy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thundergil4465
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I want my son to stay healthy and fit, so I don’t want him to go to school.

Because it’s normal that pupils dilate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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To live a long and healthy life you're supposed to give up cigarettes, booze, and fried foods.

Well maybe you won't actually live longer, but it sure will feel like it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Taking train will make you healthy

You're training in it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinotm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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A healthy marriage is often like disappointing electronics

Battery’s not included

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GEEZusChristman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Why don’t healthy dyslexic people eat bread?

Too many crabs.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Why is Warren Buffett so healthy for his age?

Through value ingesting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallesis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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They told me drinking lead would be healthy...

Man, I was lead on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharkdetective
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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Noice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruhboizzmagicull
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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A post-biological society would be so healthy

very high in anti-bodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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