If you harm someone who's had a sex change...

...You've committed a transgression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils...

but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrStinkpinkyPhD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My favorite puns are the ones that involve physical harm (ie Hertz Donut)

I guess you could say I like being punished

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jriggs97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Yesterday I witnesseded a very odd behaviour of a shark, it just swam beside other fish without any intention to harm it

I think it followed ocean's ethical cod.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oded_Gendelman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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No animals were harmed in the posting of this meme
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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Saviour.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Which musical instrument can be detrimental to your health?

A harmonica.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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I heard McDonald’s got tired of harming the environment and stopped using plastic altogether.

For them, it was the last straw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElPorTuu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Titanic’s Sous Chef: β€œWill this iceberg lettuce float by without harming us?”

Executive Chef: β€œWell, that romaines to be seen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What do you call a drug dealer who also warns you about its harmful effects?

A Harmacist (harm assist)

PS:- Sorry I am not high today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibrainzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Shelf harming
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spookyAGENT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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I did a dumb thing

I wrote my name in wet cement, but I was stupid and I wrote my first and my last name, now they've got my name, they've got my fingerprints its pretty concrete evidence...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-__-__-_-_-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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Poor pear
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Why is Trojan ware harmful to your computer?

Shouldn’t it be extra protection?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IlIBytesIlI
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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Steve Irwin's line of sunscreen has been discontinued.

Turns out it failed to protect you from harmful rays.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MannDude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.

I didn't mean to harm Monica.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Cooking a roast chicken in the oven but the potatoes aren't ready

They needed another ten minutes

My mum commented" That won't do the chicken any harm"

I responded with...

"It's already dead"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thejintymyster
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Why did they stop selling Steve Irwin brand sunscreen?

It wasn't blocking the harmful rays.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColdOxygen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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The criminal charge

A young lady had a problem because this other gal looked almost exactly like her, but had a nasty vocabulary. Nobody wanted to be around her anymore because the foul-mouthed girl really harmed her reputation.

So the lady in question decided to push the foul-mouthed look-alike off of the top roof of the Empire State Building. However, after doing this, she was soon arrested. Guess what she was charged with?

Making an obscene clone fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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I cracked my skull on a bookcase today.

It was an accident, but when a relative saw the bump she tried to counsel me about shelf harm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeckerPagoda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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My best work so far.

At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dafuq0_0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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A Panda walks into a restaurant...

sits down and orders bamboo. Once he finishes his meal he stands up, pulls two guns from his furry pockets and shoots up at the ceiling not harming anyone. He then drops the guns and walks out. Confused, his waiter runs after him and yells, "Hey bear! What was that all about??!!". The panda says "Look me up." Confused, the waiter looks up "panda" and reads, "A bear that eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Why don’t vegans carry guns?

Because they don’t want to harm the bull-ets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I just wanted to see some geese at the pond But I refused to perform the blood sacrifice required.

As they say, no harm, no fowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milburbaspho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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My friend keeps breaking into ikea and damaging their furniture. I think he may be suicidal

He's been really into shelf-harming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D4nkM3m3L0rd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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My bird protection agency:

No harm no fowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleish22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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for the 4th of july, here's a little known america fact: did you know that as the national bird, there’s a whole list of things that you can’t do to an eagle under federal law?

obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?

but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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What do you call a murderous farmer?

A harm-er.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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I have always thought of myself as someone who thinks outside the box.

Although, it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TowlieDJ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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My younger sister told my father she's a vegetarian now, and his response was...

"Hey, that's alright with me. No harm, no fowl. Right?"

He then look around the table with this face of pure enjoyment and the proceeded to say:

"Get it? Like, fowl! F-o-w-l!"

He then laughed at his own joke for the next two mins while we all internally laughed with him but externally judged him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_emordnilaP
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
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From my granddad

A church is cleaning up after a service, and they hear a noise in the back. They go to investigate, and they find a bear.

"Have no fear, I will not harm you."

"How can we tell?"

"I was just here to say a prayer."

"Go on."

"Dear lord, thank you for this food."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickdude918
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikefruitydrinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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Talking to my dad about hail...

Me: "Hail is scary, it falls so fast it can seriously harm you or kill you."

Dad: "Yeah, but there's a way to protect yourself from it. You just look up at the sky and yell 'OH HAIL NO'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enbentz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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Wearing sunscreen?

Just got my co-worker with a doozy. They were out in the bay doing seagrass surveys when they came very close to stepping on a stingray. She was talking about the flashes of Steve Irwin's death going through her mind when I asked "you were wearing good sunscreen right?" "what?" she asked "sunscreen? Why?" "to protect you from harmful rays" I said with a smug look on my face.

She folded her arms and gave me a stern look. My boss and coworker could only shake their heads and laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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