What does the Bacteriaβs recruitment agency say when it sees a fresh wound?
Hello guys, there are openings.
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︎ Feb 19 2022
Ninjas wound up in my kitchen.
A blender and an air fryer.
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︎ Dec 30 2021
You really want to stitch up your own wound??
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︎ Aug 02 2021
Wounds wound me up
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︎ Sep 25 2021
What do you call a small wound?
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︎ Sep 10 2021
A man is brought to the hospital with a mortal wound. The medical staff believes there is no way to help him and he will die. The head doctor walks in and says I will take care of this. He takes a clock off the wall and rubs it on the injured man, the man is HEALED.
The nurse says: AMAZING! how did you know that would work!?
The head doctor says: βItβs simple reallyβ¦ Time heals all wounds.β
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︎ Jul 28 2021
My grandfather was killed when a book case fell on top of him.
The doctor said he died of shelf-inflicted wounds.
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︎ Feb 19 2022
Whatβs the best herbal remedy for cuts and scrapes?
Thyme. It heals all wounds
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︎ Jan 10 2022
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
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︎ Jun 04 2020
John Cena emerges from a deep slumber only to find he has wound up in the hospital.
JC: where am I?
Nurse: ICU.
JC: No you canβt.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I cracked one too many Dad Jokes among a tribe of cannibalsβ¦
and wound up in hot water.
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︎ Oct 12 2021
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
Why did priests heal wounds before doctors?
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︎ Feb 23 2020
What do you say when someone wants to stitch their own wound?
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︎ May 13 2020
I took a shot but only caused a fletch wound.
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︎ Apr 18 2019
What's the best herbal remedy for a cut?
Not sure, but I heard Thyme heals all wounds.
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︎ Sep 18 2021
At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "
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︎ Nov 17 2019
Saviour.
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︎ May 26 2020
Why does pouring salt in a wound hurt?
Because it hurts sodium much.
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︎ Oct 16 2018
Et tu?
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︎ Feb 01 2020
Where do they take heavily wounded pirates?
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︎ Mar 11 2019
A friend of mine was kicked out of the army because his wound leaked onto the sergeants uniform.
It was a dishonourable discharge.
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︎ Nov 29 2018
What do pigs put on wounds?
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︎ Mar 27 2019
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?
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︎ Jan 14 2019
Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.
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︎ Dec 06 2018
Foot pain
A coworker (3 years younger than me) said his right foot hurt every time he stepped down on it. I told him things like that will happen more often as he gets older. He was starting to say something about experiencing things like that, but before he could get it out I blurted out...
"Because, you know, time wounds all heels."
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︎ Jul 27 2021
I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
I find it really hard to pull it off.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Panda accident
At the traffic lights today a car pulled up beside me and knocked my wing mirror. The driver of the car was a Panda. I wound down my window and shouted "Oy, you clipped us" and he said "No thanks mate, have you got any bamboo?"
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︎ Jul 21 2021
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Dad,why does that actors wound look so fake?
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︎ Sep 21 2017
What does a clock do when he's still hungry
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︎ Mar 16 2021
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︎ Aug 11 2018
I would have climbed mount everest by now.
But every time I got there, I wound up with cold feet.
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︎ Jul 02 2021
After a long, vicious territorial battle a large family of bitten, scratched wolves all sought shelter from the snow in a tiny cave, leaving barely an inch of space.
A pair of vets who care for the wolves find them and try to get in to administer care and clean their wounds.
One says βI canβt go in there.β
βWhy not?β
βThe place is bloody packed.β
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︎ Jun 28 2021
We took a wrong turn on our vacation and wound up at a clothing optional beach. Only one guy was actually naked....
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︎ Oct 26 2016
The wounds were caused by foreign bodies.
https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/
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︎ Feb 22 2017
Source in comments
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︎ Jan 02 2020
There was an explosion at the numbers factory
The tragic aftermath: 9 wounded, 15 decreased.
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︎ May 03 2021
My customer wound up making me look foolish for this one.
I came up with a fresh bowl of peas, and the little girl inched away nervously (stranger danger, and all). I tried to ease her by saying:
"Don't worry. I come in peas."
Cue awkward pause.
Her mom chimed in: "I get it." She still didn't laugh.
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︎ May 27 2014
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Why do injured cats get to the vet faster than injured dogs?
Cat litter's more common.
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︎ May 11 2020
βHey Doctor, can I administer my own anaesthetic?β
Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.
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︎ Jul 23 2018
Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?
Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My girlfriend asked if I could go a day without making a 'stupid' pun... frayed knot.
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︎ Jul 13 2017
You don't want me to close your wound for you?
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︎ Sep 25 2018
I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself.
"Fine," i said. "Suture self."
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︎ Aug 06 2019
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