…but there is always an a-hole
"Son, I have something to tell you, but it hurts me to say it." "Oh my gosh! What is it, Dad?" "I have a sore throat."
a roamin' catholic
Because they never get the koalaifacations.
My 11 year old got me with this one the other day.
Husband: “Happy birthday”
Husband: looks at me for a little while
Husband: “Ok your birthday is over”
Me: “What? Why?”
Husband: “Because it’s your thirty second birthday”
They call it,
the Telly Ban.
Is that you coffin?
Because they make up everything.
Because they have little anty-bodies
drops microphone
In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
All I did was a take a day off!
"Welcome to the fold!"
No wait, she's back. She just went out to bring me a cake.
But I think it all depends on when you’ll see them again.
It's 867-5309
Just one byte and everything crashed.
He loves to belittle people
They called me loo tenant
“You know, one would have been enough.”
She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So, I brought her nothing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
Where do boats go when they're sick?
To the boat doc.
The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?"
The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."
I'm just not Intuit.
Happy Tax Day.
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore. It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler
Even the cake was in tiers.
(Happy Cake Day to me!)
It was too insense
Because D shells were too big
One says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I never met herbivore
The Post office...
My 9 year old daughter told me this before bed... i thought i'd share.
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be baygulls.
Cause the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
It's always making happy little clouds.
A dinnergiest.
They don't have beef with anyone
So I went home again.
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! I’m excited to make my family cringe for years to come
Whittle by whittle.
The Centaur of Attention
How did pickles celebrate their birthday?
They relish the moment.
Apparently you’re supposed to blow out and remove the candles first.
On the other hand I'm ok...
European
