What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?

I’m bready.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, β€œWait! I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.

So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Most people set their morning alarms on the hour (ie. 6am, 7am, 8am), but mine goes off half-clocked
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Friend and I saw "Snowpiercer" last night. Spent the next hour and a half barraging him with train puns.
πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin_Kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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The Fault in Our Stars nailed us with a Dad Joke in the first half an hour.

Augustus Waters to his parents: "Hey guys, this is Hazel Grace."

Hazel: "Hi, it's just Hazel."

Mr. Waters: "Hi, Just Hazel!"

He had this awesome shit-eating/dad joke smile on his face it was perfct.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badassspaceman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...

He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.

Apparently he likes his medium rare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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There was a kidnapping at my son’s school this week.

Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.

Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P5ammead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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My 13-year-old told me he has an ant bite.

I asked if he has an Uncle Chew. He hasn't acknowledged me in half an hour. I can't stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socratio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I went to the dentist yesterday...

I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,

"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."

I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."

Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,

"OW MOTHERFU--"

I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,

"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatNamedCheete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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What do the penguins get for their lunch at the zoo?

Half an hour, same as the zebras.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dulfuckyourself
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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What does a donkey get for lunch on Blackpool beach?

Half an hour like everyone else.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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When given the choice between two ways to get to the roof, I always choose the ladder.
πŸ‘︎ 372
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ande4100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Lawyer, chemist and a statistician goes hunting

Lawyer, chemist and a statistician are out in a forest hunting for deer. After one hour of patiently waiting lawyer finally spots one. The lawyer shoots at a deer and misses half a meter to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses half a meter to the right. Both are furious and dissapointed as they see the deer escape.

Chemist asks statistician - "why you didn't shoot ?"

Statistician replyes - "I didn't need to, we already shot him !".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeserLP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I'm kind of sad...

...I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorkla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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Here's one I pull on my kids a lot

We'll be talking about a book or a movie and one of my kids will ask "what is it about" and I'll reply, "about an hour and a half", or "about 300 pages".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedi1josh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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A wife asked her husband to go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread

β€œIf they have eggs, get a dozen” she said. A half hour later, the husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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My wife told me to scrub the sink until you can see her face in it.

It’s been half an hour now and I can still only see mine.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Prom night

Tom was going to prom with his girlfriend this evening, so he decided that he was going to make it special for both of them. First, he got flowers, but there was a long flower line. But after half an hour he got some roses. Next up: a nice car. Tom wanted to impress his girlfriend when he would pick her up. He went to the local car renting place. But there was a long car line there. After another hour and a half, he finally got a nice car. Tom also needed a suit. But when he arrived, he saw there was a long suit line. After an hour, he finally had his suit and was ready to go.

He picked up his girlfriend and as Tom and his girlfriend walked in, Tom wanted to get punch for both of them. When he arrived at the punch table...

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsAPandaGirl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Almost got fired for this one

I work at a pretty busy spot in New Orleans, the French quarter to be exact. People coming in and leaving an item they brought with them happens a lot after a few beers. This one guy leaves a chair and in half an hour he comes back for it.
Chair Guy "Excuse me sir, did I leave a chair here?"
Me "What do you think this is pal?? Some kind of CHAIR-ITY??"

If his eyes could roll anymore then they already were, they would have rolled out of his head.
Chair guy "get me your manager right now"
Me "Now that's not very CHAIR-ITABLE of you either"
Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger, you are very CHAIR-ITABLE, for popping my gold CHAIR-Y

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SendMeASmile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Dad joke #1 for me! My dad is learning... Oh lord.

My dad called me out of my room, asked me what I was doing and I told him I was revising (insert quote marks around that for yourself if you'd like). He asks me to look in the car and there's a whole crate full of packets of salt that are all leaking. That sounds weird, and to be honest it is, but my dad works at a supermarket and gets to take home faulty merchandise so I though nothing of it. He asks me to move it all into the garage, so I do so.

Then he tells me: "Actually, put it in the shed". Now I'm confused since we don't have a shed, and so I asked him what he meant. He tells me, "The one in the old house". We own two houses - our first one, and our new one, so I thought alright that's enough; the house is a half-hour walk and I honestly cannot be bothered for him asking me to walk that half an hour whilst I could be revising so I get a bit mad and just tell him straight.

He gives me a little smile and just says "Don't get salty and start shedding tears, I'll do it then". He gives me a little smile and just walks off. I'm honestly so glad I'm moving away for uni next year.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChardRardZard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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Whenever I get to a party or social gathering I would always talk about my late wife.

She’d usually arrive about a half hour after.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colination
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I just got my wife with this one in the delivery room

My wife has been in labour for about 18 hours and was at 8-9cm of dilation when the nurse last checked.

The nurse said that she'll wait another half hour before checking again and then hopefully she can start pushing. My wife said "sure, what's another half hour?"

I said "30 minutes."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpstone1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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My dad got me good after my mom got out of surgery.

My mom was in surgery about a half hour away, and my dad was with her. Once her surgery was over, my dad texted me and told me that she was alright. I said I was going to swing by to see her. He said the drugs were still hitting her pretty hard, and that no matter what she asked for, she was only allowed to have clear liquids. Naturally, I asked him if this means vodka is a go. His response: Absolutly.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamoWRage
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2015
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Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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At 3:30 yesterday, a coworker asked if I could "can you just make it 4:00 already?"

I replied, "I sure can, but it'll take me about half an hour."

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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
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Got on a plane behind a dad, mom, and 18 year old daughter....

Daughter says "where are we sitting?"

Dad says "down"

Girl is mortified, so embarrassed, beat red, and I'm falling down laughing as a hungover mid 20's man. I shake his hand. We laugh for a good half hour about it. Daughter proceeds to be humiliated

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PennerFan2222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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I'm proud of myself

In the middle of a meeting. "How many do we need to review?" "Hmmmm... About ten..ish" "Sean Connery favourite sport" Half the room groaned... Half didn't get it. I was smiling for at least a couple hours

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeautifulLurker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Is actually a nan joke

Nan-"watched a great movie today"

Me-"oh yeah, what's it about?"

Nan-"about an hour and a half"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stix231
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2016
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My dad pulled this every single time I wanted to know which episode of The Simpsons was coming on as a kid

We used to watch The Simpsons every night, and the conversation about 10 minutes before the show would start went like this

Me: "What's The Simpsons about tonight?"

Dad: "About half an hour"

Eventually, and I'm talking years, I started to remember to phrase it differently instead of just asking what I instinctively would, but he never missed a beat

Me: "Which episode is coming on tonight?"

Dad: "The one that's about half an hour"

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dougasaurus_Rex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, β€œWait, I can change.”

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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