I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I invited my guests to take a tour of my house

They asked me, "What's upstairs?" I replied," Unfortunately, stairs don't talk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anay28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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A house guest comments on the number of umbrellas we have at home...

"We're saving them for a rainy day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sev-Enn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
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This was my Dad's favourite with house guests....

Points to ceiling fan "This is my biggest fan."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mogwan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Dracula’s competition

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner. The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed. He asked, "Nice, how did you do it?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family." Dracula said, "Very good". The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face. Dracula was shocked, "How did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests." Dracula said, "Fantastic". Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’tbelieve his eyes, "How did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower?" Dracula said, "Yes". And the bat said, "I didn’t see it".

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I got a bar installed into my roof

Just so whenever I have guests I can say β€œdrinks are on the house.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drew1351
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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A couple of my dad's infamous sayings

Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks

"Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat? I can open up a can of ribs." My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw.

Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: "Philanthropist"

"Really?"

"Yea. But I'm not a very good one"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insertnamehere255
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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A Christmas joke

Dad: Who has a square house with four south-facing walls?

Teenaged Son: Come on dad, you've told me this before, it's Santa Claus.

Dad: Nope, he's fake. We do. The living room, kitchen, master bedroom, and guest bedroom all have south facing walls.

Teenaged Son: [groan]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuginhamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rolloxan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Dad joked by a friend's Wi-Fi

I was at a friend's house, and he asked me to Google something for him. Not being online, I asked if I could join his Wi-Fi network. He said to connect to "guest network", and that the password I was "YouGuestIt".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spekl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
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Work in a hotel and a guest got me today

Work at a conference hotel so we had a big group in house

Guest: Oh so who's this big group in the lobby?

Me: Why thats the American Heart Association sir

Guest: Ah well bless their heart

:facepalm:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoloDolo86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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Woman history teacher = dad

I told my history teacher my band was doing a christmas performance.

Ms. Teacher- "Will there be any special guests?"

Me- "John Stamos."

Ms. Teacher- "Then it'll be full house!"

Me- πŸ˜‘

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spencerpaschal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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