If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.

It was shelf defense.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 399
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house

igloos it together

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πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?

Mumbai.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iOSSwiftDeveloper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moist_Mandibles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson

πŸ‘︎ 362
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I entered a house yesterday...

and one of the furniture was very nice to me. It turned out to be hospitable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunarlnd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Mad house
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaryOverMatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear ?

Address.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Interesting fact: elephants can jump higher than a house.

Because houses can't jump very high.

(My stepson told me a dad joke)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingofthecairn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied.. he said my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Gingerbread house for Christmas
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelvinnnnnnn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.

Well, children, this is a one-story house.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SZT2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?

Because they turn into warehouses

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?

It’s forbiden

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the piano get into it's house?

With it's keys

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chill-turtle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Merry Christmas here's a ginger bread house.
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_Guy2847
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t trump go to the White House anymore?

Because it’s FOR BIDEN

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arminfcb10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.

Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy Neil decided to get into a new kind of business designing keyholes for small houses

So we gave him the nickname shack keyhole Neil

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Runningforbeer343
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...

That’s inflation for you!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me, β€œDo you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”

Me: Fireworks?

Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house

He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatjesus10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, β€œWhat’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,

β€œCurrently”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axolitl-nicerpls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HairyClefairy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I just fired myself from cleaning my house.

I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..

Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!

Grandpa: This is a one-story house.

Credit: https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolvieBS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
When I moved into my new igloo, my awesome friends threw me a surprise house-warming party...

but now, I'm homeless.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyLoramAtWork
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.

Tonight, we eat like kongs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Bought a house with a shed and found a lot of old tiki torches!

Score! I got free antique-y torches!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sayan_dutta7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But, it was arson.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/At_atLaS123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Technically we can all jump higher than a house..

Because houses can’t jump!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloo’s it together!!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't Trump enter the White House?

Because its forbidden

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upsurge11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report

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